The Holy Trinity

Better than God. Three Gods.

17.11.06

A Week In The Life - THE KICK ASS DIARY OF MATTHEW D SHARP (the D stands for DANGER!!)

Monday 23rd October
Hello Diary! Welcome to my Diary! I am Matt, or ‘the funny one’ as I am usually known. Ok just to introduce myself quickly, I am essentially a laid back kind of guy with a GSOH, I basically try to live my life by the philosophies and teachings of my idol Trent Reznor. Anyway enough Schmerzen Babbling! (schmerzen babble)
Today we were supposed to watch Dr. Who in Film Class or whatever but me and Josh were totally like ‘Fuck that!’ ‘That’s for fucking pussies!’ and we didn’t go and I was really pleased about that. I mean who needs the cool suave charm of David Tennant when I’ve got Josh!?… Oh god I want to cry. I just love Josh so much.

Tuesday 24th October
Today I basically sat in my room all day contemplating the futility of existence. From my window I could see the old men waiting to die and at the same time the little boy scouts and cubs coming out of the scout hut full of life and energy who, before they knew it, would be old men waiting to die. I need to express all these pent up emotions or I think I might explode! I think I’ll do a blog, yeah I’ll call it FUCK YOU LIFE with guest host Coleen Nolan.
Then Vicki phoned just as I was thinking about her! It was literally the best thing ever! Having said that she just phoned to say she couldn’t come over today, but at least I heard her sweet, sweet voice like angel dust in my ears.
Later we went to see Predator 2 with my awesome club that I basically set up and run myself. It was great, but then I remembered something Rob had posted on Mattrix about how great that film was so I told the guys I’d had more fun “piercing my eyelids with sharpened dildos whilst masturbating onto a fire”.
They loved that and when I got back I searched the internet for critiques on the film and memorized them just in case. My secret is still safe.

Wednesday 25th October
Bad E-mail day today :(
First I got another e-mail from ‘OffTheHeazy4Sheazy’ begging me to do another post. I’d always thought s/he just loved my work, but the guys said s/he probably wanted a new post so s/he could wank over it whilst picturing my lovely face. Well the lovely face part was me, but you get the idea. I’m so sad, I’d just stopped getting these e-mails from Adel. I didn’t mind until he started sending the pictures. This is why you shouldn’t go out to rock nights, or in my case, just ever.
Worst of all I got another e-mail from Rob. I can’t believe he’s being so blatant. Anyone could glance at my e-mails and see that I had one from him, it would be awful! Everyone would find out the terrible truth.
Later we went to Cherry Pop(!). I danced it up a treat, man I am so good at waving my fingers as I pretend to walk, but really I am just dancing! Fucking A! Having said that, thanks to those gays we stayed out past 10.30(pm), I know it will totally screw up my sleeping pattern.
Fucking hell! I just remembered, Chris borrowed £1.05 the other day and still hasn’t paid me back. I am going to enjoy killing his family.

Thursday 26th October
Good day today :), woke up at 6.30 and just went on the internet until Hollyoaks at 6.30(pm!!). I think that ultimately I will aim to reach a state where I can stay on the internet forever, sustained by a drip and a catheter. Man that would be sweet!

Friday 27th October
I was slaying them left right and centre today, like Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale. But instead of just mildly inconveniencing them, I was actually puncturing their armour and slicing into their soft, sweet flesh… With comedy! HAHAHA, yes I split a few sides today!! Another glorious Creative writing lecture.
But then Josh said something and it was truly the most wondrous thing I’d ever heard. I forget what it was, but I know it made me love him all the more. I wonder how I’ll tell Vicki. It’ll be alright, I mean monogamy is such an antiquated idea anyway isn’t it? ISN’T IT!??!?
On a side note, I got another e-mail from Rob today, even after I told him ‘no!’. He thinks we should go and see ‘you know who’ soon. I think I am going to have to kill him.
No-one can know that I, Matthew Sharp am a genetic replica of Evil Overlord Robin D Robbington. Even if Mr Reznor demands it, I shall never be like him, that Rob. Pah! I spit on him and all his worthless children. I soothed myself with the thought that soon Trent and I would be sitting tight up in the White House, warming our hands on the burning corpses of Mr Bush and Mr Robbington. Then the planets shall align and the three Beings from corners afar shall join us as we lead the universe into a GOLDEN NEW AGE…
That’ll show that useless mongrel Chris who’s boring and delusional!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha.

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