The Holy Trinity

Radio Show: Part III

2007-05-05T14:18:00.000+01:00

Here's the post post post about the show show show. E-mail us at this beautiful address if you want us to verbally fellate you live on air and also we will mock your hilarious surname. So look forward to that! Alright let's get on with this shit I don't have all day to waste on you. Mondays 7pm-9pm remember! And you'd better.

INTERNET WATCH

5 Second Films
Here is a link to a YouTube profile that is literally packed to its very seams with 5 second versions of films. Brilliant, if you like that sort of thing. And I am sure you do. As this man points out, not all of them are actually 5 seconds, but what sort of ridiculous internet pedant would care? Go update your Wikipedia entry you fat sack of shit.

Matt Sharp presents: Dr. Schmerzen Babble
No no no, it's a different Matt Sharp! How many of us could there possibly be? At least three, apparently. This is one of them and he is either the greatest comedy character actor who ever lived, or a deeply foolish and deluded individual. You decide! Actually no I'll decide for you, he is bloody terrible. If you can survive this whole video I will personally kiss you lovingly on the forehead.

PLAYLIST
Get your fat eyes round this lovely lot you bitch.

Dead! - My Chemical Romance

Did You Get My Message? - Jason Mraz

Australia - The Shins

Is She Really Going Out With Him? - Joe Jackson

Bring It (Snakes on a Plane) - Cobra Starship

Missed The Boat - Modest Mouse

The Longest Time - Billy Joel

Come Back to Camden - Morrissey

The Seed 2.0 - The Roots

Salt Sweat Sugar/Bleed American - Jimmy Eat World

On And On - Tom McRae

Your Love Alone Is Not Enough - Manic Street Preachers

I Only Want To Be With You - Dusty Springfield

Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley

Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes

Hit Parade - Unkle Bob

The Magic Position - Patrick Wolf

Wasteland - Maximo Park

Babooshka - Kate Bush

Double Standards - Frazer

CLIPS
Note to Matt: Put some clips up Yeah alright I'll do it later jesus christ.

WOOF BOX
I'm not doing the woof box anymore I can't be bothered with it and nobody gives a shit anyway. Next week is film soundtracks week (probably) so get some flippin' e-mails in about those if you like. Or not, whatever. Like I said, I can't be bothered. Maybe Derren Brown could hynotise me into enjoying writing waffle like I used to, like what he did to that piano lady the other night. Derren if you are reading this you better not let me down, okay? I need you man. Also please hypnotise Chris into using less fucking horrible smelly sauce. Alright fuck this I've got a headache. Oh also next week we are going to try and find Josh a girlfriend live on air so that he can get laid and stop being a big old grump! If you've got low self-esteem and issues with your daddy why not e-mail us?

Actually I might keep at the Woof Box if I can use it to snipe at my co-hosts.

Radio Show Number Two

2007-04-29T14:22:00.000+01:00

Don't forget to e-mail us at holytrinityradio@gmail.com you fools.

PLAYLIST
Yo yo here's da beatz. When it says our names that means it was our 'unvetable' track, yo.

Oh You Pretty Things - David Bowie

Fake Palindromes - Andrew Bird

Golden Mike - Frazer

If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot

Map Of Your Head - Muse

This Charming Man - The Smiths

Capital G - Nine Inch Nails

Everywhere - Michelle Branch *Matt*

New Friend Request - Gym Class Heroes

I'm Shipping Up To Boston - Dropkick Murphys

Burn - Ray Lamontagne *Josh*

Oh! Darling - The Beatles

Rhythms - Sum 41

Escape from the City - Crush 40

My Baby Just Cares For You - Nina Simone

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

Elusive - Scott Matthews

Henrietta - The Fratellis

Postcards from Italy - Beirut *Chris*

Babies - Pulp

A & B Song - Tom McRae

CLIPS
No clips this week because it kept cutting out, as you will probably know if you tried to listen. Sorry brah.

THE WOOF BOX
We cocked right up at the start by building up David Bowie big time and then playing last week's tracklist, which starts with the Pixies. Durrr. We also introduced Gordon Lightfoot as Muse, which was no doubt very confusing for everybody. However we did have a sound effect of a person falling into a hole, so all was not lost. Also we got some jingles working! Hurrah!
We didn't have any internet stuff this week, and as I said the clips didn't work, so there's not much to this update I'm afraid. Oh well, you'll live.

Radio Show Number One

2007-03-27T16:54:00.000+01:00

Hey gang! We three fools have been given a radio show on Brunel University's awesome student radio station B1000. How lucky and cool and crazy are we! Very! We are going to use this neglected blog to post things related to the show, which is on Mondays at 7.00pm until 9.00pm. You'll get the links to the websites we have talked about, playlists, and lovely little clips of some of the rubbish we have spouted. Also whoever writes the post will probably muse briefly on the nature of the show and also life. Fantastic! Here is all the shit from our first ever show:

INTERNET WATCH

One-man Movie Re-enactments
Here is the YouTube profile of Mr. Brandon Hardesty, who recreates scenes from movie all by himself by doing impressions and wearing different clothes and then editing it all together. It is very good and very funny. He is also a piano whizz and can make funny faces! Hoorah!

Crazy Internet Kid of the Week
Here's a MySpace lunatic. He had a list of 100 things about himself which got read out on the show, but I don't know if that is on his MySpace. Anyway he is very funny although not for the right reasons.

PLAYLIST
Before you read the playlist I will explain the concept of the 'unvetable' tracks. Each one of us may select one song each week that cannot be vetoed by the other presenters. I have labelled them on the playlist with our names so you can pick them out. Here you go:

Debaser - Pixies

I Want You Back - Jackson 5

Panic - The Smiths

The Avenue - Roll Deep
Hungry Heart - Bruce Springsteen

Boiled Frogs - Alexisonfire *Josh*

One Week - Barenaked Ladies

River Man - Nick Drake

Cars - Gary Numan

Bring Tha Noise - Public Enemy *Chris*

Mama - My Chemical Romance

Rock the Casbah - The Clash

On The Radio - Regina Spektor

Hysteria - Muse

60 Revolutions - Gogol Bordello

Breathe Me - Sia *Matt*

Express Me - NWA

Heartbeats - The Knife

Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart) - Marvin Gaye

Mr. Blue Sky - ELO

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

CLIPS
We've only got the first hour of the show recorded, so some of the items we did are lost to the mists of time forever. Which is a shame, because we hit our stride after a bit and some of the best things happened in the second hour. Like Internet Watch, Game Set Matt, Oh My Days and Thing You Remember From The Nineties. But you'll have to live without those and make do with these snippets of awkward muttering:

300 Movie Review

Raisin Talk

THE WOOF BOX
Well well well! This was our first ever show and we didn't really know what we were doing. We also had some jingles and sound effects and other gubbins stored on a memory stick, but it didn't fit in the frankly poorly designed USB port in the studio. We learned our lesson though so next time you can expect some annoying sound effects and horrid jingles. Which, aside from professionalism, is what the show is really missing. Really though I think it went pretty well all things considered and it was definitely a lot of fun. And it'll only get better! Promise.

IMDb Search: The Holy Trinity Christmas Anniversary Special

2007-01-15T14:34:00.000Z

The Holy Trinity Christmas Anniversary Special (2006)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Writing credits: Christopher Dunne, Joshua Roberts, Matthew Sharp

Genre: Action / Crime / Romance (more)

Tagline: High Times. Hard Bodies. Soft Rock. (more)

Plot Outline: Two loose-cannon narcotics cops investigate the flow of Ecstacy into Florida. (more) (view trailer)

User Comments: French and Saunders are still safe - no competition here. (more)

Cast overview, first billed only:

Matthew Sharp … Tony Consuelez
Joshua Roberts … Victor Kweluembago
Christopher Dunne … Johnson Twilliger
Kaile Lucas … Jeremy De La Phillips
(more)

Runtime: 10 min
Country: UK
Language: Swedish / English
Color: Color (Metrocolor)
Sound Mix: Dolby SR (re-release) / Stereo
Certification: Germany:16 (re-rating) / West Germany:18 (original rating) / New Zealand:R18 / Australia:MA (TV rating) / Italy:VM14 / Canada:R (Manitoba/Nova Scotia/Ontario) / Iceland:16 / Argentina:18 / Australia:R / Canada:13+ (Quebec) / Chile:18 / Finland:K-16 / France:-12 (re-rating) / France:-16 (original rating) / Hong Kong:IIB / Ireland:18 / Israel:18 / Japan:R-15 / Netherlands:16 / Norway:18 / Peru:18 / Portugal:M/18 / Singapore:M18 / South Korea:18 / Spain:18 / Sweden:15 / UK:18 (video rating) (1986) (cut) / UK:18 (video re-rating) (1993) (uncut) / UK:X (original rating) (cut) / USA:R

Trivia:

• Scorsese originally wanted friend Robert De Niro to play the part of heroin addict Johnson Twilliger, but with De Niro filming Meet The Cunts (2007), Christopher Dunne was cast instead.

• The shot of the blog ideas towards the end of the movie reads thusly:

10 WAYS TO EAT YOUR DINNER IN THE EVENING
1. On The Bus – An element of danger makes this a great option
2. With A Tramp – Tramps will love to eat your dinner as they are poor.
3. In The Cupboard – Your food never even has to leave the shelf!
4. With The Wrong Cutlery – Eat soup with a knife and fork! LOL
5. Very Hastily.

• Quentin Tarantino was originally offered the script to direct but reportedly refused after Matthew Sharp was quoted as saying that Tarantino “gets away with having a gay first name”.

• The film went over budget by $7m, almost twice its initial budget, mostly spent on Pop Tarts for Christopher Dunne’s interview scene.

• Filming was halted for two weeks after Joshua Roberts stormed off the set after finding that someone had actually shit in one of the cupboards in his trailer.

• Further delays were caused towards the end of filming as Christopher Dunne was remanded in custody and questioned over the abduction of a 12 year old girl.

• The ‘wine’ that Matthew Sharp drinks in the final scene is not wine at all – it was a mix of water, red food dye and oats to make the vomit look “fuller” on screen.

• Furthermore, the skag being heated by Joshua Roberts in the same scene was actually a mix of sugar and vinegar, suggested by Kaile Lucas.

• Voted #156 in Time Magazine’s ‘Best Movies Of 2006’, one place behind The Da Vinci Code.

Goofs: Revealing mistakes: In the opening scene, Joshua Roberts clearly says the word ‘everybody’ instead of scripted line ‘everyone’, a mistake he didn’t learn from as he can also be seen mouthing the words ‘And… look’ at the end of the title sequence to prompt a simultaneous look at the camera.

Quotes:
Jedadiah: [Deflating van tires with Octavius' spear. Their two helpers have already been blown away by the powerful jet of air, and Jedediah and Octavius are just barely holding on] Save yourself!
Octavius: I ain't quittin' you!
(more)

FAQ:
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The Holy Trinity Christmas Anniversary Special

2006-12-13T20:18:00.000Z

Tomorrow is the first birthday of the Holy Trinity blog. Also it is nearly Christmas! So here is our special Christmas video:

It's on fucking YouTube and everything! We are living pretty much exactly on the cutting edge. Thanks very much to Kaile for holding the camera and the microphone and for saying a variety of things for us. Kaile you are a modern superstar of some description. Josh has promised to carry out certain 'acts' as your reward. Well not yet, but he will.

If you have watched the video by now, you will know that it contains an exciting opening montage, dialogue that snaps, crackles and pops, a beautifully performed song, yelling, candid interviews and a depressing descent into mindless self-destruction. If you haven't watched it yet, you will now know that it has a load of fucking awesome stuff in it, because I just listed it for you in an attempt to get you to watch it.

This is easily far and away the third most efficient production I have ever been involved with. Thanks everybody!

Creative Writing II Notes Part I

2006-12-04T17:49:00.000Z

Rose/Hallie/Sarah etc,
I was tidying your room on Friday evening (and putting the tables back to where they should be!) and I found a litter of short stories scattered around. Perhaps you could return them to their owners. Thanks, George (cleaning).

Dude, Where’s My Arm?
by Kieran Happablap

It was fast approaching Sunday evening and dusk was riding on in like a golden horse. Our weekend of hedonism was taking its final bow in front of an audience of Greek lap dancers, and it had been nearly an hour since I had snorted that diamond-like white dust - that Felix had eagerly supplied me with - off that hookers’ back. Electricity was flowing through my veins. I was beginning to regret my beating her to death shortly afterwards, but Felix assured me that the body had been disposed of most cautiously.
My consciousness hazed between visceral and misty, and I left the club none the wiser as to the whereabouts of my companion, Felix. I sauntered down a spotlighted street making my best impression of ‘Man Who Can Walk Alright’, where I found a small off-license and inexplicably purchased a bottle of gin, letting it coax me into a wonderful slumber.
I awoke to discover myself lying on my side on a frosted park bench. I assumed the dull numbness which had seized the right side of my body was due to a case of the dreaded “Pins and Needles”, and nothing more sinister or extraordinary. I sat upright and felt a wave of hangover wash over me like a wave on a rock. It didn’t surprise me, I was ready for it. It was the cost of one craaazzeeee night. Also I forgot to mention I borrowed lots of money to fund this hedonistic weekend from a dodgy mafia-type organisation that I could obviously never pay back and that might have some repercussions at some point. Just as the clarity of day began to grasp me, Felix strolled across the dewy-tipped grass and stopped in front of me. He looked confused as he surveyed my body. I could not understand what had caused his struck appearance, so I took it upon myself to find out. I looked down at my left arm. That was definitely still there. I then slowly turned my head to look upon where my right arm could usually be found.
“Dude, where’s my arm?!” I said.
“Where’s your arm, dude?” he replied.
“Dude, where’s my arm?!” I said.
“Where’s your arm, dude?” he replied.
“Dude, where’s my arm?!” I said.
“Where’s your arm, dude?” he replied.
“Dude, where’s my arm?!” I said.
“Where’s your arm, dude?” he replied.
It wasn’t there.

Bicentennial Man
by Balthazaar LeStrange

Mrs Bouton opened the door to Mrs Bouton’s bedroom to find Android Unit Kai standing in the middle of the room, staring back at Mrs Bouton with her cold dead robot eyes. Android Unit Kai had crudely stapled a roughly torn skin patchwork over her metal limbs and chest. The body of Mrs Bouton’s husband, Mr Bouton, lay flayed at Android Unit Kai’s wheeled feet.
“All I need now is a beautiful human woman face, Mrs Bouton”, Android Unit Kai sneered with a deadly whisper, “but yours will have to suffice.”
Silence stole the scream that Mrs Bouton attempted to release, paralysed with fear as Android Unit Kai edged her tungsten tipped clawed fingers towards her face and tore it off. Mrs Bouton fell to the floor, clasping at the bloody cavity that had been left ravished by Android Unit Kai. Android Unit Kai pressed Mrs Bouton’s rag of a face against the cold steel of hers, blood and sinew adhering it on. Android Unit Kai rolled slowly over to Mrs Bouton’s dressing table and picked up a tube of lipstick, smearing it over the lips now drooping down her face.
“Android Unit Kai is now a beautiful woman”, Android Unit Kai said.

Blood Simple
by Matt Sharp

I don’t fit in. I never have. When I was in school I was never willing to compromise myself into playing football or talking about cars or whatever. So I was on a one-way road to Loserville. I was a fat kid, and now I’m a fat teenager. Nothing has changed.

So when I found a flyer advertising a Vampyre Cult that met at the local Scout Hut, it was those reasons that made me intrigued enough to take a chance and go along.

Flyers never usually have that effect upon me however. Who ever reads them? Who goes to collect their post at 9am from their doormat and thinks ‘Yeah, actually I could go for a pizza right about now’? Nobody, that’s who.

Furthermore my affection for Scout Huts had been severely diminished after the handful of trips I was forced into making as a kid, although then it was Beavers or Cubs or some shit, and luckily I got thrown out fairly rapidly. I turned up to one meet with a specially-themed Red Nose Day toggle - red with an annoying looking face on it and a plastic hand protruding from either side - which my mother had decided would be a worthwhile purchase.

So did the group bully, Leslie Pearce, and made that feeling evident to me early on. He waited for the moment that Bagheera or King Louie or whatever she was called left the room to make some orange squash and he made his move.

“Give me your fuckin’ toggle you cunt”, he said.

“No!” leaves my lips.

He reached around my neck in an attempt to tear it from my scarf however my impulses took over and I reached for his first. This act of uncharacteristic bravery took Leslie by surprise and I capitalised upon this by pulling his chubby neck towards my teeth and plunging them in.

I heard him scream briefly before all sound blanked out. The group leader re-entered the room and along with a few of Leslies’ cohorts tried to wrench me away from him, but with my teeth clamped firmly down and blood squirting into my eyes a chunk of his neck was coming with me.

I spat it out onto the floor, blood dripping from my chin. I could taste his fear, taste his neck, taste his skin. And it was delicious.

This was another reason I was tempted to go back.

A Week In The Life - THE KICK ASS DIARY OF MATTHEW D SHARP (the D stands for DANGER!!)

2006-11-17T16:36:00.000Z

Monday 23rd October
Hello Diary! Welcome to my Diary! I am Matt, or ‘the funny one’ as I am usually known. Ok just to introduce myself quickly, I am essentially a laid back kind of guy with a GSOH, I basically try to live my life by the philosophies and teachings of my idol Trent Reznor. Anyway enough Schmerzen Babbling! (schmerzen babble)
Today we were supposed to watch Dr. Who in Film Class or whatever but me and Josh were totally like ‘Fuck that!’ ‘That’s for fucking pussies!’ and we didn’t go and I was really pleased about that. I mean who needs the cool suave charm of David Tennant when I’ve got Josh!?… Oh god I want to cry. I just love Josh so much.

Tuesday 24th October
Today I basically sat in my room all day contemplating the futility of existence. From my window I could see the old men waiting to die and at the same time the little boy scouts and cubs coming out of the scout hut full of life and energy who, before they knew it, would be old men waiting to die. I need to express all these pent up emotions or I think I might explode! I think I’ll do a blog, yeah I’ll call it FUCK YOU LIFE with guest host Coleen Nolan.
Then Vicki phoned just as I was thinking about her! It was literally the best thing ever! Having said that she just phoned to say she couldn’t come over today, but at least I heard her sweet, sweet voice like angel dust in my ears.
Later we went to see Predator 2 with my awesome club that I basically set up and run myself. It was great, but then I remembered something Rob had posted on Mattrix about how great that film was so I told the guys I’d had more fun “piercing my eyelids with sharpened dildos whilst masturbating onto a fire”.
They loved that and when I got back I searched the internet for critiques on the film and memorized them just in case. My secret is still safe.

Wednesday 25th October
Bad E-mail day today :(
First I got another e-mail from ‘OffTheHeazy4Sheazy’ begging me to do another post. I’d always thought s/he just loved my work, but the guys said s/he probably wanted a new post so s/he could wank over it whilst picturing my lovely face. Well the lovely face part was me, but you get the idea. I’m so sad, I’d just stopped getting these e-mails from Adel. I didn’t mind until he started sending the pictures. This is why you shouldn’t go out to rock nights, or in my case, just ever.
Worst of all I got another e-mail from Rob. I can’t believe he’s being so blatant. Anyone could glance at my e-mails and see that I had one from him, it would be awful! Everyone would find out the terrible truth.
Later we went to Cherry Pop(!). I danced it up a treat, man I am so good at waving my fingers as I pretend to walk, but really I am just dancing! Fucking A! Having said that, thanks to those gays we stayed out past 10.30(pm), I know it will totally screw up my sleeping pattern.
Fucking hell! I just remembered, Chris borrowed £1.05 the other day and still hasn’t paid me back. I am going to enjoy killing his family.

Thursday 26th October
Good day today :), woke up at 6.30 and just went on the internet until Hollyoaks at 6.30(pm!!). I think that ultimately I will aim to reach a state where I can stay on the internet forever, sustained by a drip and a catheter. Man that would be sweet!

Friday 27th October
I was slaying them left right and centre today, like Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale. But instead of just mildly inconveniencing them, I was actually puncturing their armour and slicing into their soft, sweet flesh… With comedy! HAHAHA, yes I split a few sides today!! Another glorious Creative writing lecture.
But then Josh said something and it was truly the most wondrous thing I’d ever heard. I forget what it was, but I know it made me love him all the more. I wonder how I’ll tell Vicki. It’ll be alright, I mean monogamy is such an antiquated idea anyway isn’t it? ISN’T IT!??!?
On a side note, I got another e-mail from Rob today, even after I told him ‘no!’. He thinks we should go and see ‘you know who’ soon. I think I am going to have to kill him.
No-one can know that I, Matthew Sharp am a genetic replica of Evil Overlord Robin D Robbington. Even if Mr Reznor demands it, I shall never be like him, that Rob. Pah! I spit on him and all his worthless children. I soothed myself with the thought that soon Trent and I would be sitting tight up in the White House, warming our hands on the burning corpses of Mr Bush and Mr Robbington. Then the planets shall align and the three Beings from corners afar shall join us as we lead the universe into a GOLDEN NEW AGE…
That’ll show that useless mongrel Chris who’s boring and delusional!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha.

A Week In The Life – Josh's Diary Or Whatever

2006-11-09T12:44:00.000Z

Monday 23rd October

We skipped the screening for our Sci-Fi module today because it was Doctor Who. In Matt's case it was because he'd seen it before loads of times, and in my case it was because Doctor Who is a stupid piece of shit. It's just some wanker going around in a box shouting at things. And what the hell is the point of the Daleks? They're about as scary as a biscuit tin and just as exciting. No wait, they are less exciting because I quite like biscuits. Pity I never get to eat any because I know that Chris and Matt will just eat them all up like they did all the time last year. What fucking cheek. We went to the seminar in the afternoon though. I think that Matt is in love with the lecturer, Steven Duckworth. He probably doesn't even like Doctor Who or Vans shoes or Kim Deal or Lipton Ice Tea. What a little creep. We went home and ate delicious microwaved chicken burgers. I think Chris was a little bit upset because he was in one of his stupid fanny 'meat is murder' moods but he can just fuck off. Later I played Resident Evil 4. I like to imagine that the baddies are Chris and Matt as I shoot their faces off. "FUCKING DIE" I scream, imagining the broken contorted faces of my housemates ripped apart by buckshot.

Tuesday 24th October

Chris left his light on again today when he went out. I was so angry I bit through a piece of wood. Then I started a little fire in my room and cried into it. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. I wish Matt would update the Holy Trinity more often. He keeps writing new things for the fucking Mattrix instead. Nobody reads the Mattrix, it's the biggest piece of shit on the internet and it's not funny and nor is he. I guess when we are writing our sitcom I will have to do all the jokes. I don't know what Matt is going to do, I just felt sorry for him really. He's not even as good looking as me for God's sake. But then who is? Nobody. He dragged me and Chris along to the fucking Sci-Fi Society meeting again, even though I didn't want to go as usual. I hate leaving the house, it sucks ass. Anyway we saw Predator 2, which I thought was really good. Matt and Chris seemed to hate it though, so I just went along with them for once. It tore me up inside and when I got home I punched a hole in my desk.

Wednesday 25th October

I played Resident Evil 4 again today. One of the baddies fell on the floor and I imagined it was Matt as I strolled over and slashed his neck with a knife. The blood sprayed across the rough ground and satisfaction throbbed through my veins. He screamed and clutched futilely at the air, choking out his last breath. I fired a bullet into his skull to be sure, and his head was torn apart instantly. The crimson spray made me feel like a god. I screamed "DIE DIE DIE" at the top of my lungs and clapped loudly and gleefully. It was the best moment of my life. For dinner I had chicken nuggets and potato wedges and a huge pile of grated cheese for some reason. I was dragged away from my cheese and videogame murder to go to Cherry Pop at the club. They didn't play enough George Michael for my tastes, so when I got home I was so cross I broke a metal bar across my forehead.

Thursday 26th October

Fucking hell. Chris left his light on again today, and after I vented my rage by tearing a sheet of wallpaper down and chewing it, I went in to turn it off. Jesus. That room smells like a tractor that has just driven over the rotting corpse of a bull. Also there is something smeared on the walls but I would rather die than find out what it is. It is the worst thing in the world. I went to the shop to buy some more cheese because I had a whole block of it with my dinner last night, and the man with the hat was very distant even when I tried to make conversation. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody ever. In the evening we watched Dead Man's Shoes, which is the greatest film ever made. I imagined that I was Paddy Considine and that I was stalking and killing Matt and Chris. I sure would love to stuff Chris inside a suitcase and show him to Matt and then stab Matt. I hated it when Paddy Considine died at the end. If I were him I wouldn't have died, I would have kept going and killed and killed and killed. Chris called me gay so I went up to my room and tore up all my books.

Friday 27th October

Ugh. We went to our Creative Writing lecture today and it was horrible. We had to read out our ideas for our final projects, and Matt was cracking out the fucking funnies as usual. Everybody laughed except me, because he was just being a cunt. I was so angry I almost snapped my biro in half and yelled "FUCK" but I held it in. Then I read my amazing idea out and everybody instantly realised that it was the best idea ever. The woman asked who thought it was 'compelling' and everybody put their hands up except for Matt because he wasn't listening. He was probably thinking up some faggot joke like the big shit he is. I was this close to punching him in the back of the head. Luckily we have Pro Evo 6 now, so I am holding in the rage. I like to slide tackle people and imagine they are Chris or Matt as they crumple to the floor with broken ankles and cry out in anguish. Getting a red card is small price to pay if it means I get to see them lying on the grass, faces twisted in agony. Then the computer player beat me, so I threw a brick at a bird outside. It smashed it right up but it wasn't dead so I stood on its head.

A Week In The Life – The Diary Of Christopher P. Dunne aged 19 and 5 months

2006-10-28T23:30:00.000+01:00

Monday 23rd October

Ah, the start of a beautiful new week. Life is so wonderful. I woke up this morning and just lay in bed for a while contemplating the enormity of being, in particular the cognition of beauty and its context within the natural world. I believe it was John Keats who stated:
A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness.
I started to write a song about it but I realised I was late for my lecture so I had to go out.
When I got back from my lecture Matt and Josh were in the lounge eating some kind of microwaved offal. I don’t know how they can do that a) to their bodies, the bodies that our Lord God blessed us with, and b) to those defenceless little creatures that once lived but now only serve to quench some short-term desire. There’s no telling them though. I went to my room and cried a little.
In the evening Josh played Resident Evil 4 for about 3 hours and Matt laughed every time someone got their head blown off. They make me sick sometimes. I’m glad I completed it so quickly so I don’t have to soil my hands with that filth anymore.

Tuesday 24th October

Today was a bad day but you know that of course LOL! I’ll tell you about it anyway. I was still a bit cross when I got up. I went to my lectures in the morning and someone made a joke about my hair going grey. I spat in their coke when they went to the toilet a bit later. Hopefully they’ll get hepatitis or TB or something. But do I have to have it for someone else to get it?? I’ll look into that tomorrow.
I got home and played on Hitman. I completed my mission with 47 kills and high notoriety. Not my record but good nonetheless. The best bit was shooting a woman in the head when she was pleading for mercy LBAO! Silly bitch.
As it was a Tuesday I had to go to Matt’s faggy Sci Fi club for gays again. We watched Predator 2 which was incredible! There was this invisible guy who hung people upside down from the ceiling after he killed them. I’ve thought about doing that to those two jerks at home but I’d have to clean up the mess cos there’d be no-one else to do it for me. Matt and Josh said they hated it so I went along with that. They don’t appreciate any from of subtle socio-cultural satire though so what did I expect?!

Wednesday 25th October

I awoke with the words of Juvenal resounding through my mind – Nemo repente fuit turpissimus. ‘No one ever became thoroughly bad in one step.’ Well it didn’t take those two miscreants very many steps. They seemed like lovely boys when I met them. I miss Chris P…
I had the afternoon off as always. Usually this means a trip to the cinema to see some perverse film about drug dealings and murder with multiple uses of the ‘f word’ but I was spared today. Instead we stayed in and I watched them play more Resident Evil 4, blowing up fish with a rocket launcher. Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. The more things change, the more they stay the same. They disgust me sometimes.
They convinced me to go out to Cherry Pop tonight, so we started getting drunk at about 8pm. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to like vodka. It tastes like nail varnish, as well as being terrible for your body. I thought it was meant to be a temple not a… crack house. Or whatever. I had a pretty awful time, but I danced along with their ridiculous routines as usual. At least Matt managed to keep it down for once. We got in at 2.30am and I went straight to my room and I cried a little.

Thursday 26th October

On my way to university today I passed that field just before the hospital. I saw one horse in there on his own and I thought he looked a bit sick. I guessed that field is used as a kind of Horse Hospice (ROFL), so I went in and pushed it over and then kicked it a little. It definitely wasn’t very well cos it died pretty easily and obviously, following the Vegetarians Handbook, anything that dies from natural causes is kosher, so to speak. So I gorged on its body for a while. I guess that’s what they mean by being so hungry you could eat a horse eh? CHAIRMAN LMAO! My blood stained clothes offered me a dilemma as it was 2pm and broad daylight, but I snook home and those two malefactors were still in bed so I could wash my clothes without any difficult questions. Someone saw me on our road I think but I strangled them with some fibre wire and hid their body in my closet. It’s getting rather full now, but at least the smell blends in with the rest of my bedroom.
Tonight we watched Dead Man’s Shoes on DVD. It was horrible. The ‘c word’ was used more than 5 times. And people being murdered, it was all about revenge. Matt and Josh were jizzing all over it so I went along with them, but really I hated every minute. I believe it was Milton in Paradise Lost who said ‘He who overcomes by force hath overcome but half his enemy’. So true. So true…

Friday 27th October

I’ve had enough. Every man has his limits. It was bad enough that Josh has just got Pro Football 6 or whatever, but I thought that Matt’s hatred of all competitive sport which equals mine would mean that he wouldn’t get chance to play it much. But it seems they are complicit in their desire to drive me insane, playing it all day long. One of them took a shit in my acoustic guitar too, even though they’re denying all knowledge of it. Cunts.
Well revenge is a dish best served cold, so I’ve learnt, which is why I put my knife in the freezer tonight before I cut their throats in their sleep tomorrow. Oh it’s your birthday on Monday is it Matthew?? Well happy fucking birthday, mate.

LOL.

A Bit Much

2006-10-25T12:14:00.000+01:00

Hello Trinifans (that's 'trinity' and 'fans' compounded to form a new word). Here are some of the notes that have been left around Trinity Towers (or 'Boss House') of late. Please enjoy.

Seriously guys, whoever is ignoring the fact that we have a blog needs to stop now and start pulling their weight or it's curtains for you. You'll burn in the eternal fires of hades and I will personally see to it that you never see daylight ever again you CUNTS.

Cheers, Matt

Hey guys, please stop putting your balls on my pillow because I struggle to sleep with my nostrils filled with the fetid stench of your sweaty sacks.

Thanks, Josh

Guys, I don't know what the stuff piled up behind the taps in the kitchen is, but it looks a heck of a lot like dried semen and HobNobs. I don't think I should have to clean it up, do you? Also the bin is so full it is about to tear itself open from inside, somebody should sort it out. Not me though.

Yours sincerely, Emma

Seriously guys, I thought it was pretty funny the first time I found a turd inside the GameCube, but it's starting to get a little old now and I don't think it works properly anymore. If you want to keep playing Resident Evil 4, I'd advise you to stop putting shit inside the GameCube. If you don't stop soon, I'll be forced to put my balls on your pillow again.

Cheers, Matt

Guys, whoever scrawled HITLER HITLER HITLER on my bedroom door needs to report the damages and pay for the repairs. I am tired of being reminded of the atrocities of the Nazi regime every time I go for a wank.

Thanks, Chris.

Hey guys, does anybody know what is in that binliner next to the freezer? It's too heavy for me to move by myself and it smells of rot.

Emma

Chris I will continue to scrawl HITLER on your door until you admit to your part in the extermination of my people.

Matt

Josh, move the body. Emma is onto us.

Chris.

Um, guys, I went to use my colander the other day and it looked a lot a like somebody had been forcing handfuls of shit through it. If you do this again, please make sure that you wash it afterwards.

Thanks, Emma

Guys, if the police find any more crack in my bedroom they are going to fuck me right up. Please stop planting it, it's not funny now.

Josh

CUNT CUNT CUNT

Matt

Guys, I woke up this morning and my asshole was distinctly sore. I thought we already discussed this. PLEASE STOP

Chris

Josh, nobody believes your ridiculous 'crack planting' line, just admit you have a problem. It'd be okay if you didn't have your junkie friends round here all the time. I found Barry slamming his fists into my butter and screaming about metal horses yesterday, and it needs to stop.

Matt

Look guys, there's a point where you can go too far and that was long ago now. My room is my private area, and I DO NOT appreciate you going in when I am out and bleeding on my desk. Also I found all my frozen food floating in the toilet yesterday covered in urine soaked newspaper. I am going to the hospital to have my stab wounds tended to, and then I am moving out.

Emma

Guys, it worked.

Chris

Gender Realignment

2006-08-21T11:19:00.000+01:00

Hi everybody! All of us here at the Holy Trinity are huge fans of Joss Stone, because she is from the west country and also she is just enormously talented. She sounds like a big black lady or something! Fantastic. She's like the British Anastacia except less shouty and equally as boring. Like with most people, she first came to our attention when she covered the classic White Stripes classic, 'Fell In Love With A Girl'. But because Joss is a wholesome Devonshire dumpling, she didn't want to look like some sort of crazy lesbian, so she changed some of the lyrics. This is very common in the music business (or 'biz').

Notice that Will Young, despite coming out as a homosexual, didn't go back and change his songs to be about boys instead of girls. Nice one William, that's really helping the cause, you jerk. Anyway let's say for the purposes of today that I wanted to do a cover version of 'Complicated', by Avril Lavigne. This is a great song by a great lady, and I want to do it justice, but I don't want to look like a gay. So a little editing is in order before I can lay down the vocal track in my daddy's studio. Let's roll.

Uh Huh
Life's like this
Uh Huh
Uh Huh
That's the way it is

This passive acceptance of life's hardships may be fine coming from a woman, but any man saying this would look totally gay. I will sing 'Life is shit' instead, as this matter-of-fact attitude is much more masculine.

Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only let it be

Well obviously girls do not yell at their boyfriends unless they want to be slapped in the face, so that line needs to be changed to 'what you weepin for?', as girls cry a lot because they are weak-willed. 'Lay back' can stay because it implies I'm going to shag her, which is correct.

I like you the way you are
When we're drivin in your car

There is no way I would ever like to be in a car that a woman is driving.

And you're talkin to me one-on-one
But you become

When a girl is talking to you, it's not so much 'one-on-one' as just 'one'. If you can get a single word in without having to clamp a firm hand over her mouth you are some sort of god or something.

Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

All of these concerns are not the kinds of concerns men generally have with relationships. There are two real concerns and that is it: "Am I going to have to commit 'long-term'" and "is she having sex with me with enough frequency". All this absurd wishy-washy nonsense about not being able to relax is stupid. The only time a woman needs to relax is during anal sex, to avoid doing damage to the anus.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated

This is fine in theory. Complication is annoying and must be avoided in order to have the most sex in a relationship. However, if a man is frustrated he does not sing a song about it. He relieves the frustration by doing physical damage to an object or person.

Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get

Women take what they get and much, much more so this needs to be changed too.

And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no

This honestly doesn't make a great deal of sense. Turning into what? A man can construct coherent sentences and would not mire himself in the grammatical innacuracies of 'never gonna find you fake it'. No no no.

You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin else
Where you are ain't where it's at you see

Girls coming over unannounced sounds totally right, so we can keep that in there. Them being dressed up in what sounds to me to be sexy costumes is not at all a valid excuse to complain, and that third line is too muddled for a clear-thinking man to ever sing.

Laugh out
When you strike a pose
Take off
All your preppy clothes
You know
You're not foolin anyone
When you become

Fine except remove the word 'preppy'.

After this point in the song she repeats lyrics we have already seen, going over the same territory over and over. Again this is not something a man would do, so the song should end here.

On reflection this is a lot of work and it would be easier to write a new song. It's harder than I thought being Joss Stone, or whoever her male equivalent is. You know what I think that's James Morrisson! I will look into it. See you later guys.

Trinity Towers!

2006-07-24T12:53:00.000+01:00

So here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The Holy Trinity have taken their first steps on the ladder to territorial world domination by snapping up some fresh real estate in good ol' London town. The Trinity is now united in mind, body and soul under one roof, or will be come September. Personally I would have been quite happy to remain fragmented and living in my "en sweet" room in Paradise Heights while those other two chumps rotted in crumby Saltash, but I guess this way I am spared a 7 minute jaunt to Matt's room every time I want something.
Now before you start, I realise I am walking along that dangerous tightrope poised delicately over "using your blog to talk about your own lives" but this is cool so pipe down, rubbadub. This place is going to shape the experiences of the fabled Trinity for the next 11 months so it is vital. Nevertheless, this post risks being descriptive-factual rather than a wryly-observed social parody on contemporary life themes, but I'm sure Chris will make up for that soon. Also I will include some ridiculous subplot that makes us seem like an Ultimate Fighting Collective.

With our nemises pooling their collective resources and slowly gaining in power, fronted by the indomitable Chris P and Lestern The Evil Wizard, the Trinity made the decision to disperse ourselves for a short while across the globe, fearing that a strike upon all three of us together would signal unparalleled disaster. It is currently far too dangerous for the Trinity to unite for any length of time, and thus we are limited to brief 'duo summits' to discuss any paramount business such as Sonic vs. Mario and sitcom script drafts. With Matt abroad on official business this weekend, it was down to Stoffer and myself to begin preparations for the upcoming Trinity reunion by visiting our palace and playing the guitar and having a sweet barbeque. However it was not all rosy in the Trinity garden. Literally and metaphorically...

As if constantly contending with the bitter powers of the evil Chris P wasn't enough to handle, after scouting the area it seems as though the Trinity will have a few other battles on their hands, with a number of equally depraved super-villains in close proximity. They are described forthwith:

The Whistler

By far and away the most dangerous of the new Trinity nemises, and someone with which I'm sure you are all familiar, is The Whistler. Doubtlessly, you know his story but I will recap. After destroying the combined powers of The Joker, Two Face, The Penguin and The Riddler, Batman relocated from Gotham City to the Home Counties to battle his one remaining foe - The Whistler. The Whistler, mistaking Batman for a power-hungry egomaniacal tyrant rather than a generous millionaire turned freedom fighter believed himself to be doing the world a favour after finally committing Batman to his doom, crushing his skull in between his hands after ritually sodomising poor Robin whilst whistling loudly and annoyingly. What shock it was to poor Whistler when he awoke the next morning, gleefully unaware of the vitriol spewing forth from the national press.

"WHIS OFF, YOU JERK!", read the front page of The Daily Mirror.

"THE WHISTLER DEFEATS BATMAN AFTER HE RELOCATED FROM GOTHAM CITY AND SETTLED DOWN IN A NICE OXFORDSHIRE MANSION, DISPLEASING AN ENTIRE NATION WHO ACTUALLY RATHER LIKED THE QUIRKY RODENT-CHARACTERISING AMERICAN", succinctly stated The Independent.

"BLAIR LET'S IN MORE DAMN IMMIGRANTS", The Daily Mail proclaimed.

Lonely and heartbroken, The Whistler decided to move to a quiet suburban area of Hillingdon but his bitterness is growing like the newborn, and he is ready to unleash it again on our three young heroes down the road.

The Meatheads

Unconfirmed reports have placed the infinitely dangerous 'Meatheads' in Harlington Road, posing an unchartered risk to the Trinity. Created in a perverse scientific experiment by a crazed and hungry professor, a fertilised embryo was mixed with a 10oz rump steak with the intention to produce a delicious meat-baby, however there were two slight anomalies that were to have disasterous consequences for the professor and the human race. The embryo became both super-evolved and, being to forceful for the small plastic petri dish, split into two to form twin Meatheads that quickly became six foot meaty twins, with big meaty apple heads. Uncontrollable and volitile, the Meatheads wonder aimlessly, working in fish and chip shops and buying CDs in HMV wearing England shirts circa 1996. The only way they can be defeated is to take a huge bite out of their meaty crainium, but can anyone ever get close enough...?

Samoan Joe

Less of a threat than the others, but an unknown quantity. Samoan Joe has the powers to play music loudly in his garden, and also get very big when angry much like The Incredible Hulk, as well as manipulate fire like the crap one in X-Men who turned bad. Whether friend or foe is unclear as yet.

But dinnae worry folks, the Trinity aren't without allies. With the return of The Stampster in the pipeline, as well as General Kaile and his talking sidekick Mr. Nicotine, the Trinity are well covered. But who will guard our precious fort in the Trinity's absence, I hear you ask?

Cleveland The Disco Rabbit, that is who. The official Trinity mascot lays dormant at the top of our stairs but when troube is a-brewin', Cleveland awakes...

He also supports good causes.

Matt's Fabulous Mind Box Contraption

2006-07-20T12:49:00.000+01:00

Hello science fans! Recently I have discovered an incredible technology that could change the way we look at our minds. In fact it definitely will, because it's great and I am great too. So what is it? Basically it's a small box that you wear on the back of your head. There is a diagram below:

The metal spine coming out the back goes inside your brain. The box is then able to record every single thought you have during the course of a day. It is stored on an SD card for easy uploading to the blogosphere! Here at The Holy Trinity, we are all scientific explorographers, which means we will go to the very edges of Science in order to learn things. Science things. So we all took the Mind Box out for a test drive, and here are the results!

Matt

"Everything is so great in the world. I have never been so happy"

"Ah, what a thing it is to be young, my whole life ahead of me"

"Hello Mr. Birdy! How nice to see you on this beautiful day. Come, perch upon my shoulder"

"Life! Oh life! Oh liiiife! Oh life!"

"SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST WHERE IN THE NAME OF JESUS'S NUTSACK DID I PUT MY MOTHERFUCKING WALLET?!? OHHHHHHHHHHH"

"This is the WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE"

"I hate everybody. FUCK YOU MATE"

"I will kill every last one of you stupid cunts"

"YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT WHORE FUCKING SACK OF CRAP CAR, WHY WON'T YOU START?! I WILL KILL YOU"

"Oh I found a penny! Delightful"

Chris

"I am so hungry"

"Man I sure could go for some delicious meat right about now"

"Oh lord, just thinking about a tasty, dripping beefburger makes me so hungry. I MUST EAT"

"Sweet christ that cow looks yummy"

"I need to stop thinking about meat... I know, I shall write a song. A song about meat!"

"Oh! I want to taste a pig! Hey! That would make me feel so big!"

"I wonder if vegetarians are allowed to eat human meat. Well it would serve those filthy meat-eaters right! I am definitely going to eat a person. Anthony Hopkins does it. That gives me an idea"

"That stupid Hopkins jerk, why isn't he returning my calls?"

"OH MAVIs you Are SO deLICious! hoW luCKy it iS thAt yOU hAvE nO faMILY tO notICE you ArE gONE! yoU deLICIouS homELEss"

"rAAHAahahgfhaAgggAhhhAAAAAGgggAAGagagagagarrrrrrf"

Josh

"Take this fucking thing out of my head"

"I'm not going to think about anything until he takes it out"

"Nothing here"

"Nope"

"Not thinking about anything"

"Just nothing"

"But what is nothing? I am thinking something, and that something is 'nothing'"

"How could one truly clear one's mind? Actually think of nothing?"

"Such a thing would not be possible. Unless..."

"Yes, that will work! I shall teach that Matt a lesson he will not forget!"

After Josh killed himself I had to stop conducting my research and destroy my invention. Oh well, you win some and you lose some I suppose. See you chicks later.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH!!

2006-07-06T12:47:00.000+01:00

As we all know, the most revered member of the Holy Trinity is 21 today.

Now 'the 21' is a big landmark in anyone's life. It means you are finally a man and in medieval times meant you were old enough to wield a sword. However it's not all sunshine and lollypops. The average life expectancy for a male is 75.29 years in the UK, which means you're already a quarter of the way through your life. Don't let this get you down though as it means of all your great achievments (catching those TWO minstrels and falling through the roof) there are three more of equal or slightly less magnitude to come! I suppose you can rule out the last quarter what with dementia and/or illness, but that still leaves two, Fantastic! Now to reinforce all the great things that have happened so far in your life (and therefore the things that will occurr twice more in your life), and to rip off my birthday post, Joshua Q. Roberts, this is your life.

Born Thomas Wittington Smythe to a rich aristocratic family, he was given away when it was discovered by Private Eye 'Jeremy Kyle' and his fantastical lie detecting machine that he was the bastard offspring of Sir Charles Wittington Smythe, well known as a player of the ladies. To avoid further shame for his family he was adopted by a commune of simple surfers in Newquay, Cornwall and Christened Josh or JUNIOR.
Here Josh had everything his heart could wish for and was as happy as larry until one day tragedy struck. On his way for a late night surf, he was accosted by a snake bearing maryland cookies. The snake promised that upon eating the cookies Josh would know all there was to know about the world. Fortunately Josh already knew most of this, including the tale of the Apple Guzzling Whore, Eve. He promptly crushed the Snakes skull with his well worn K Swiss training shoes.

However over the next few months the knwoledge that he had taken a life weighed heavily on young Josh's shoulders. He had been brought up by his hippy adoptive parents to respect all of mother nature's creations. Also he thought wistfully about how much money he could have made as the agent for a talking snake. But mostly he thought about how horrible the whole killing thing had been.

But then one day his whole life was turned upside down. He was walking down the street thinking wistfully to himself about how sad he was and how he was like so deep man when there was a cry from a nearby alleyway. He turned suddenly and was confronted with the sight of two Minstrels, sailing through the air towards him at great speed. Utilizing his lightning-quick reactions, he was able to secure the airborne sweeties in his clenched fists. At that moment he realised his purpose in life: Catching sweets.

He travelled the world catching sweets, from Cairo to California, to the deserts of the Mushroom World to that level where the fish tries to eat you, and beyond. But all this wasn't enough for Josh. Despite the rapturous attentions of a whole host of potential male suitors and all the money in the world, he wasn't happy. What Josh wanted, more than anything in the world, more than his Sega Nintendo Entertainment Station, was a degree in English and Film & TV Studies from Brunel University, West London.

And so he found himself in a strange suburb of a strange city, with strange people and a strange desire to smother himself in broken crackers and chocolate spread. Strange! In order to pay his way through the course, he was forced to turn to his old talent for catching sweets. Tradegy struck when one day, leaping valiantly for an elusive Malteser, his feet touched down on a surface he had neglected to secure and he was sent crashing through a corrugated sheet of plastic into the dankest hole on Earth.

Josh's grip was legendary, but even he could not pull himself from the hole, and he was forced to trust in his faith and let himself fall. He was not ready for the unimaginable horrors that confronted him. Narrowly avoiding a sticky fate upon the jagged metal spikes that lurked beneath the drop, he found himself face to face with a mountain of human skulls. Staggering backwards, his hand fell upon the cold, clammy face of a recently deceased man. As his hand sank through the decaying flesh into the rancid mass inside that broken skull, Josh found his true calling. Again.

And so he realised that catching sweets was not very sensible and that he shouldn't climb up on stuff so much, and that he should probably knuckle down and get a good degree so he can enter the world of work on an advantageous footing.

Happy Birthday Josh

Coming Out

2006-06-18T23:50:00.000+01:00

Recently I went through a major identity crisis as I came to terms with a part of myself that I had suppressed for years. It wasn’t easy and the journey left me emotionally and physically scarred, but when I reached my destination I had a suitcase full of memories and a smile in my heart. Also some of those little pieces of crap you inevitably get from souvenir shops, y’know like a little bear with the place I went to on and a bracelet, probably. I learnt something new about myself and I learnt to accept and love it. This is the story of how I became a Vegetarian.

I think my biggest fear all along was telling my friends and family. I mean I wasn’t even sure what I was and if I could accept it if it was what I feared, but if I hadn’t had the support of the people I knew and loved, well then I would surely have died.
Luckily though, with a few exceptions (Joe: “Chris, I have just lost all respect for you”) everyone was really positive making me feel accepted for who I was. Josh saying something along the lines of “Chris it doesn’t matter what you do, we will always love you for the person you are.” And Matt saying “Fag”. Of course he was only joking and we all had a jolly good laugh! At least I think he was joking… Oh well he doesn’t even like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers so FUCK HIM. Scar Tissue is an amazing song.

Yeah anyway, as I was saying, Support of my brilliant friends and family. The only person I had any real trouble with was my Father and that was mainly because he forgot and I had to tell him all over again. The first time was hard enough with all his Soul Destroying Criticism saying things like “What? I thought you loved meat!” and “Oh, you think it’s wrong…well OK” but the second time was just, well to be honest with you, heart breaking. I don’t even want to go into it, but well I’m alive now, pumping away. My heart I mean! LOL.

Yes… well you get the picture, I made it through, stronger than ever!

Now I would like to dispel some myths about vegetarianism:
Vegetarians are pale and sickly. Wrong! I maybe a bit pale, but that’s just because I don’t go outside.
Vegetarians are boring. Wrong! I enjoy having long in depth conversations about why it’s wrong to do all sorts of things, not just eating meat.
Vegetarians don’t eat eggs. Wrong! Only the spazzy “octo veges” do that. Eggs that we eat are unfertilised and so are equivalent to a period, and I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve all been tempted to eat one of those at some point. If they taste as good as they smell, eh.
Vegetarians get all the NOOKIE! Well I can’t argue with that one A ha ha ha. Hmm. Sigh.

Now the other main benefit of vegetarianism, besides being able to sleep at night, is SOSMIX! Basically this is reconstituted plant protein that you mix up yourself with cold water and fry till hard! But it gets even better. Although the “Packet” says ‘make into Sausage shapes’ I totally fucked the system and made all sorts of cool shapes. A Guitar, A few words, and much much more!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS, YOU SHIT!!

2006-05-31T19:22:00.000+01:00

You heard me, boys and girls, today sees the ninth and a halfth bicentennial celebration of the birth of Jesus Chris, Our Lord. Or his "nineteenth birthday", as some might say. And what better way to commemorate it than write a pointless blog post that no-one will read? Well, I could get him a present maybe... Send him a card or whatever. But that has been done before, and this (so far) hasn't. However I will expect one in just over a month ladies. So on with the show!

Christopher Jayne Arnold Dunne was born on the 31st of May, 198something. I can't be bothered with the maths. I told you it was 19 years ago, you work it out if you care so bloody much you jerk. Left in a basket in the Forest Of Mount Kayagonogo with nothing but a guitar and a rusk, Chris's ascension to modern-day hero is nothing short of spectacular. He started by bartering with the natives, trading his rusk for a spear before spearing the poor people to death and taking back the rusk. But it's ok, the natives were fans of the work of Martin Lawrence.

Christopher was slow to pick up the idiosynchratic language of the Kayagonogian people and so learnt to communicate using his guitarial acumen. The Grand High Priest of a nearby tribe heard a sound like no other when journeying through the forest, and found a now infant Chris with a head of golden black curls in a Clash t-shirt he had found, strumming away to himself. Against the young man's will, the Priest adopted Chris and took him to his Grand High Palace which floated in the sky. Here he taught the young Chris humility, graciousness, respect and a love for anything edible. Chris had finally found a true home. But it wasn't all rock music and internet porn from here on in, oh no sir. Disaster was hiding around a nearby post office. And it is here that I hand the story over to Matthew, as he is funnier and I am bored and about to go out...

Well well well. Chris. I first met Chris when I was hanging from a precipice in the mountains. He came strolling by, pushing through the snow in his t-shirt and shorts, and when he saw me he called out 'Alright mate?' I replied that I was not alright, and was in fact clinging to my life by a single finger. And so Chris stamped on said finger and sent me plummeting to my death on the jagged rocks thousands of feet below.

No wait that's not right. I first met Chris when we both woke up in a grimy abandoned public bathroom. We quickly found we were both chained to pipes by our ankles. Luckily I had my gun, so I shot Chris in the face and was able to eat his body in order to survive until the grizzled police chief found me and set me free.

Hang on. No. Oh yes I remember now. I first met Chris when I set him on fire and pushed him into moving traffic. Wait, I'm supposed to carry on the story. SHIT. Ok yes Chris was living in the floating palace, having killed the radio star behind a post office by throwing a video at his head. Then one day he found a magic lamp. He rubbed it, like he rubbed most other things (such as his penis) and a genie came out. The genie granted him three wishes, but Chris had a magic talisman that allowed him to have unlimited wishes. So he wishes to live forever and to be able to turn into animals and to have a big scary castle and all sorts of stuff.

Anyway this jerk duck stole the lamp so Chris had to get it back. Then a load of stuff happened that I won't go into and basically it all ended with Chris falling out of a huge castle floating high above the Earth. Also the genie got set free and had an annoying voice and was ugly and sucked ass. Luckily Chris landed on a gigantic pair of breasts.

Yes, he had landed in the magic land of the Giant Women, which was where the giant women lived. They were like normal women except, you know, giant. Chris quickly seduced the women and they taught him everything he knows today about women. Here is a list of the things Chris knows about women:

They weigh four hundred tonnes.

They are as tall as six Jeeps.

You can climb up inside them and they love it.

Their hair can be made into ropes for restraining giant panthers.

Their skin is as rough as tree bark.

All women are evil.

They like a man who knows how to scoop out earwax with his fists.

One day the women tired of Chris and his incessant guitar playing when they were trying to watch The Godfather, so they gave him a lot of money and sent him to Brunel University. And the rest is history, by which I mean it's getting late and I'm out of ideas.

Happy Birthday Chris.

Musicographical Beatomatic

2006-05-23T20:11:00.000+01:00

Music has the power to change the world. Every once in a while, an album comes along that changes everything, for better or for worse. Revolver. Never Mind The Bollocks. Doolittle. Nevermind. Wingspan: The Best of Paul McCartney & Wings. Today sees the release of another world-changer. Today sees the release of Musicographical Beatomatic.

Over one month in the making, Musicographical Beatomatic promises to do for music what wheels did for cars. What cheese did for cheese sandwiches. What bears did for bear fighting. You are about to download the greatest EP in the history of the world. I know you are, because it is destiny. Nobody can avoid the powerful pull. You will download it, and it will change your life.

Use this links to download the best things you will ever have on your computer. (Right click, save as)

The songs on this album are:
1. Josh You Are (with Mr. Christopher Dunne)
2. Mean Ol' Chris
3. Meditation Song
4. Robert Stamper
5. Robert Stamper (Passion Mix)
and if you like you can read the lyrics to them here. Then I guess you could learn to sing along, although obviously you could never match my own incredible vocal displays.

If you are not downloading the EP right now, I suggest you scroll back up a bit and start the download right away because you are wasting valuable 'listening to Matt's fantastic songs' time. In fact I don't even know why I'm writing so much here. Well there you go, I guess I'm providing good value if nothing else. I'm watching CSI: Miami while I'm writing this so I'm not really giving it my full attention. Horatio certainly knows how to ask questions about stuff and then solve a murder. Can you think of any more TV shows that feature a person with ginger hair as the hero? I certainly cannot.

HOLY CRAP they're having a cool boat chase! They've got one of those fucking boats with the huge fan on the back and they're chasing a man all over the place! FUCKING SHOOT HIM HORATIO! This is awesome. I would love one of those cool fan-boats. There's a helicopter too, it's rotor-city. Whoa there's a big fire or something, this is crazy. LOOK OUT FOR THE FIRE! He's running away! Oh wait the fire is in the way, HAHAHAHA! "There's nowhere to go, put that weapon down right now!" says Horatio. This is fantastic. OH MY LORD he ran into the fire! No way is he going to make it out of there alive. What a stupid thing to do. They never go after clever people on this show. Yep, he died in the fire. That's not even a nice way to go, why not just shoot yourself? Well that was really exciting but I guess it had nothing to do with Musicographical Beatomatic. Hopefully by now you can go and listen to it and I won't have to waste time like this anymore.

OK so please download the music if you haven't already and also blah blah blah thanks a lot. All of the songs are inspired by people I have met at university, so if you want to pretend you know people then maybe this is a good thing to download.

How To Be Popular Part 4

2006-05-13T13:50:00.000+01:00

Hey gang, it’s me again with some more top tips on Popularity. Before we go any further though, I’m afraid as is always the way in life, just as you get all excited and hopeful I have some Soul destroying news. My How to be Popular series has been cancelled. Now I won’t go into details but let’s just say some of my views were seen as too controversial and subversive. CONTROVERSIAL AND SUBVERSIVE!? I’M NOT RAPING KITTENS OR SETTING FIRE TO THE POPE AM I!

Lord knows I want to when this sort of shit happens. Last time I got that angry was when Alison said she didn’t want to be with me anymore. Luckily I changed her mind and just as soon as she gets back from her round the world cruise, we’ll be married. Oh it’ll be such a beautiful ceremony, but you don’t care about that! Anyway I’m going to have to fit the rest of my vast social knowledge into one post. I am going to cover the most crucial social areas, including politics and dancing and every so often throw in a super fun buzzword alert! What on earth is that you say? It sounds genius! Well I’m afraid you’ll have to wait and see, you’ll enjoy it more for waiting and there’s a great little time release joke for you there! Genius. HahahaHAHAha I did it again, I can’t stop it. (Sorry, but you’ll get it soon)

Politics

Now politics is often thought of as a deeply boring subject, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Politics has an effect on all our lives and as such is akin to Gravity. You can’t go anywhere without Politics dragging you down, keeping you in place and stopping you flying free. Yes, this is a great analogy. Politics is as old as time itself and is the reason women’s breasts stretch as they get older.
It is a common practise for the speaker of the House of Commons to check if a suspiciously intelligent women is in fact a man in drag by pulling on her breasts. Usually in this case the intelligent ‘woman’ is exposed as an average man, but every so often a real woman repeats something clever off the telly and all hell breaks loose!
But of course it’s not all fun and games, there are some downsides to politics. The most notable of which being Political Correctness. Now in the past it was perfectly acceptable for us to put inferior cultures in their place by calling them ‘slitty eyed’, ‘Barbarian’ or ‘French’. However French people began to resent these labels, saying it depicted a totally one-sided view of France. They listed great thing after great thing to come out of france: wine, champagne, Jean Reno, rosé. Dazzled by this insurmountable list, the weak British politicians said “Oh my days, wow, ok we better had leave these people alone, and just so this never happens again we’ll be nice to everyone”.

O.K. ‘being nice to everyone’, that sounds alright you think, but wait a sec, what about serial murdering rapists? Do we really want to call them ‘morally challenged, act-first think-later ragamuffins’? No of course we don’t, this would just encourage them to rape and kill, which is why political correctness is untenable, you see?
No? Well to summarise: Political correctness is responsible for almost all rape and killing that has occurred in recent history, bar those committed by the French.

Buzzword Alert!

You should say genius as often as possible but taking care to say it only where it is completely wrong. For example “this porn is genius”, “I am genius” and if you are a cool dark person like me “death is genius”.

Dancing

The Chris P
Once upon a time in a land not so far away, there was a noble Prince by the name of Chris P. He was loved throughout the land by everyone but his heartless older brother. The evil prince was destined for the throne, but he was so unloved and Chris P so beloved of the people that the king agreed that Chris P would be King.
But one terrible day, the elder prince swapped Chris P’s usual ‘Diet Coke’ for a pint of Guinness. Chris P’s one weakness was alcohol and the moment he supped the putrid concoction, the incredible bitterness and high alcohol content dissolved his liver and throat. Without these vital body parts Chris P could no longer talk or eat, vital functions in the ‘posh dinner’ oriented world of Royalty. He was locked in a cupboard and the evil young prince’s position was safe once more.
However before this terrible event Chris P did much for the culture of the world, mainly in the field of dance:

The sprinkler
Err… everyone loves sprinklers so why not dance like one?
No I’m not sure about the origin of this one but it looks damn cool and is a bona fide pussy magnet.

The Capes
Ah, Capes. A modern day Chris P. A spark of hope for the future. Some say not as dancingly talented as Chris P but what he lacks in this field he more than makes up for in inventing words. Yes, I boked a good lot of shalk into the Roro Huttee last Huzzle. LOL!!!

Now I’m going to tell you a little story about how not to do it. There’s this great guy I know called Chris (not Chris P, but yet another Chris), he has a weird number of similarities to me. Some people say he is like an alternate personality of mine LOL!
His problem is that despite all my expert advice, he doesn’t always believe in himself and can be pretty withdrawn. Except when he is drunk when the opposite applies. In this case he is frankly a nob, and I will let the pictures do the rest of the talking.

Other dances of interest

The mark. Dedicated to the unique author of Tiny Tickle Unradio

Screwing the light bulb. Pure unadulterated genius

The floppy armed pelvic thrust. Probably the greatest dance of all time.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Chris P

Drink Or No Drink!

2006-05-01T19:35:00.001+01:00

I was sitting in ‘Spoons a couple of weeks ago with a couple of non-Trinity related buddys (sorry to break it to you like this guys), and I was thinking about Deal Or No Deal as per usual. Then, surrounded by plethora of reasonably priced alcoholic beverages, I was struck by an idea like a clichéd phrase – What if Deal Or No Deal could be made… better? Now hold up Dre, put down your pitchforks and listen to me, for this is no sacrilegious cacophony. I wondered about the possibilities of breeding DOND with said alcoholic refreshments to create the ultimate delicious televisual drinking game experience… And it has been achieved.

For practical circumstances, the game was primarily designed for three people. As you should well be aware, the show consists of 22 contestants with numbered boxes, one of whom is selected at random to be the shows protagonist. Therefore there are 21 other boxes available for that player from which to choose. 21 is perfectly dividable by 3. Thus, each person takes 7 boxes as their own. For the sake of ease, let’s say the shows protagonist has box 22. This means that one person takes boxes 1 – 7, another takes boxes 8 – 14, and the last takes boxes 15 – 21. If you have the time to kill, or the numbers aren’t so easily dividable, perhaps you could put the numbers in a hat and draw out 7 each, introducing a ‘Bingo’ element to proceedings. Whatever, really. Now, here’s where the game starts…

The protagonist chooses a box, your box let’s say. It’s opened. If it’s a red that means you take a prolonged sip of your drink of choice. We said three fingers worth. If it’s a blue then it’s lucky for you, and your compadres are forced to drink, but only two fingers worth each. This continues until your vision blurs and, more importantly, the protagonist finally deals. Here’s the ingenious part – then the conditions take a 180 degree twist, and a blue number means you drink, and red sentences your co-players, as Noel hopes to prove it was the ‘RIGHT DEAL AT THE RIGHT TIME’©. All this game needed now was a delightfully simple yet brilliantly brilliant name, which played on both the nature of the game and the T.V show of which it was spawned. Thanks, Matthew.

Now being the hardcore extreme Man-men that we are, we felt that the mixed vodka we were using for the rounds could be in some way supplemented by more alcohol, plus we wanted a way to fit a favourite of Holy Trinity Towers into the game in the delicious appley form of Mickey Finn’s. Hence, we drew up a list of certain DOND nuances which, if rear their head during the game, cause a waterfall of shots to be taken by each player. They are as follows:

The banker asks to speak to the player

Somebody declines to comment when asked for advice

Noel says it's "the right/wrong deal at the right/wrong time"

Somebody claims to "know" that their box contains a low number and turns out to be completely wrong

Somebody says "it's ok" when it isn't "ok" at all

The banker chuckles

The hotel is mentioned

A speed round is played

A speed round is brought to a halt by a really crap box

The contestant loses track of their own progress

The seal on the box is broken prior to a break

Noel gets excited and claims a particular round is either the best or worst in the history of the game

Noel pretends the offer is a bad one, before walking to the camera and winking or whispering “watch his/her face!” and revealing a fantastic offer.

So there you have it, kids. Play sensib… nah who am I kidding, GO MENTAL!! But remember that everything has its consequences! Being drunk around lots of cool townie people with lots of hair gel can be dangerous to your well-fostered credibility, and if not sensibly managed can lead to serious roof-fallage and other such accidents. So in timely Trinity tradition (alright Mark?) here are some guidelines by which you should lead your alcohol-addled lives:

Do: think it’s a good idea to jump over some big concrete blocks in the middle of the grass and jump off them really high!
Don’t: actually do it…

Do: dance enthusiastically to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and high-five anyone who walks past.
Don’t: worry about how gay you look.

Do: try it on with the hot girl who comes and sits down next to you, playing it cool yet subtly impressing her with your friendly, lovable demeanour and verified wit.
Don’t: sit on the edge of the table sulking when she dances with her friends, before deciding to ‘get in on the act’ by dancing oppressively closely to them and then mistaking Artic Monkeys for The Kooks, ending any chance you’d forced open in one foul swoop.

Do: try to meet new people.
Don’t: get too upset when the bastards blank you.

Do: observe the neatly stacked boxes.
Don’t: jump on them.

Do: walk home singing a version of Afternoon Delight that the Beach Boys could only dream about.
Don’t: do it when a group of exceedingly sober people are leaving the library after some late night revision.

Do: wonder quietly to yourself how strong the corrugated plastic roof is.
Don’t: fall through it.

Behind Closed Doors: Making A Trinity

2006-04-28T10:37:00.000+01:00

Clicking the 'Create New Blog' button on the Blogger homepage is not a task that should be taken lightly. It should be taken very heavily, because when you create a blog you create a whole host of new responsibilities. There's the responsibility to the Blogger community as a whole, to uphold the standards of relevance and interest that have guided blogs since their inception. There's the responsibility to the thousands of readers you will instantly attract, to provide intelligent and developed commentary and to be consistently entertaining. And then there's the responsibility to yourself, to prove that you're not just some internet idiot but a fully rounded writer. All this is heavy stuff, so it should come as no surprise to learn that things aren't always rosy behind the scenes of your favourite blogs. With this in mind, please enjoy these selected extracts from our files.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: Collaboration?
Hey man. If you look at the new lists down the side of the blog you can see that Chris totally has us beat numbers wise. I think we should combine our talents to write a post, what do you think? It might be good if we just talked on msn for an hour and posted the log, but if you can think of anything better that's cool. Get back to me.

To: Matt
From: Josh
RE: Collaboration?
No offense man but I don't think that's such a good idea. My caustic, world-weary outlook wouldn't mesh with your misanthropic bi-polar shock tactics. Thanks anyway.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: Collaboration?
BI-POLAR?! FUCK YOU MAN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT I SHOULD JUST WALK OFF THIS FUCKING STUPID BLOG ASSHOLE. I do think you should consider it though, get back to me if you change your mind. DUDE IT'D BE FREAKING AWESOME COME ON!!

How To Be Popular: The Human Body [rough draft]
by Chris

If you want to be really cool and popular like me, you've got to ~~have sex~~ ~~make love~~ engage in coitus with as many attractive ~~people~~ individuals as possible (as is humanly possible?) The way to achieve this lofty aim is to have in your posssessssion the most atttractive body posible, as people are ultimately shallow... Different people find different things ~~attractive~~ arousing but there are some gold standards that i can teach you with my incredible teaching skills that i got from a man I met in Tibet this one time when I was looking for the lost gold of Calahunis up a mountain and I nearly fell off and he saved me and taught me some teaching skills and in return I played Stairway to Heaven on my guitar for him and he loved it so much he gave me a kiss and we made sweet love all night long until it became too cold up the mountain and we had to retreat to his hut where he made me hot chocolate and sang Barry White songs for me (posssibly run on sentence, check with Josh).

To: Matt
From: Chris
RE: Treachery
What's this I hear about you and Josh working together on a post? That's hardly fair is it? I work my butt off for this blog, don't I? I think you two should take a leaf out of my book, don't you? Yes I think so. Come on dude, this is the Holy Trinity, not The Holy Two...ity. Twoity. DUO! OK!?

To: Chris
From: Matt
RE: Treachery
I'm really sorry you feel that way Chris, but I think you must have got the wrong end of the stick. It was a mere suggestion and we decided not to go through with it anyway SO MUSCLE OUT YOU STUPID DICK ALRIGHT? WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE?! HUH?!?!? FUCKING STUPID FAG TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, GO SUCK A DICK YOU FUCKING COCK! Sorry for any misunderstanding.

New Post (need to think of a title)
by Josh

Hi guys it's me! It's been a while but this time I am definately back and

fuck this

To: Josh
From: Chris
RE: Matt
Hey man, I'll cut to the chase. I don't want to be a hardass, but Matt just sent me a very offensive email and I'm pretty upset to be honest. He has totally shaken my delicate sensibilities with his offensive language and aggressive demeanor. Now I'm not saying he should be taken off the blog, that would be unfair. I do, however, think we should kick him out of the band as he can't really play any instrument and he certainly can't sing or even write lyrics. Also there is no way I am moving in with that jerk next year.

To: Chris
From: Josh
RE: Matt
Sure whatever.

Comedy Bulleted List
by Matt

Why not do something involving some minor celebrities?!

I don't like dogs.

I like cats.

Mashed potato.

A TOTALLY WACKY MONKEY AND AN ELEPHANT AND SOME JAM AND A BADGER HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I would like to go to KFC and purchase some fried chicken to eat.

I bought a new DVD and I like it

Something offensive, probably about Muslims or Jesus or something

The last film I saw was AWESOME!!!!

To: Chris, Josh
From: Matt
RE: YOU FUCKING GUYS
Alright fine kick me out of the band, just see if I give a shit. You can't use any of the cool names I thought of now though. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU BASTARDS!?! FUCKING DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! No regrets though, right? Oh by the way if you guys want to come over for some beers later that would be cool, we could watch some DVDs or something. That'd be sweet. I saw a pretty sweet pup the other day actually. It was sheer. Wish it could go on the wall of pups next year! Oh yeah, when are we moving into the house?

To: Matt
From: Josh
RE: YOU FUCKING GUYS
Chris and I are moving into the house on the 28th of June. You are not.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: OK FUCK YOU
GODDAMN YOU PAIR OF COMPLETE CUNTS WHY DON'T YOU GO AND BURN IN HELL YOU STUPID PAIR OF FUCKS DAMN YOU DAMN YOU DAMN YOU FUCK YOU AND DIE ASSHOLE BASTARD CUNT MINGE FUCKHEAD FAGGOTS. No hard feelings.

To: Matt
From: Chris
RE: one more thing
Please stop looking in my window at night, I don't like it.

How to be popular part 3: Fashion

2006-04-24T21:18:00.001+01:00

Hello folks, I’m back again by popular demand. Today’s topic: Fashion or as Chamber’s dictionary defines it: “the ancient art of wearing clothes”.
In recent times there has been a growth in the popularity of sickening “individuality” in relation to fashion. As previously discussed, this notion is plain wrong. Why not just go kill a kitten you sick f-blank-blank-blank.

I actually saw a girl the other day wearing baggy clothes, as if this wasn’t evil enough, she had “dreadlocks” in her hair. In dressing deficiently, you may think you’re being frightfully unique, but you are in fact just doing what someone else has told you will ‘bring your personality out to shine’. No one ever just thinks ‘Ooh I know, today I’ll wear my baseball cap backwards!’ except the mentality ill.

There is no such thing as originality of thought, people have pretty much thought of everything already so just stop, alright?
This applies to films, music and all other creative outlets. But don’t despair, just because you can no longer have any personality, doesn’t mean you can’t look great!

Men

Now if you are a man the key thing to remember when dressing is this - the less you dress like a man the more manly you are.

Now to the fashion novice, this may seem very contrived because frankly it is, but with the turn of the century came the huge growth in a phenomenon known as the ‘new man’. Current estimates place the new man at somewhere between 4 and 30 soccer pitches high, and still growing! The reason for this is that he feeds on male insecurity which, ever since Women controversially became viewed as human in the eyes of the law, has been on the increase. Popular feminist leaders began to bandy round phrases like “Men aren’t very nice to us” and “Why can’t men be more like women? Not physically of course, that’s DISGUSTING”. Consequently, in order to hook up with women for sex, men have had to not only listen to women’s whining, but for the first time in history, pretend to be interested.

So when dressing up for a night on the town, the most important thing to remember is to wear a pink shirt. The reason for this is that pink is a woman’s favourite colour thus proving that you are secure with yourself and love the ladies so much that you actually want to look like them. Also a handy side effect is that wherever you go women will flock to you assuming you are a woman, to share sob storied about how hard life is ironing and cleaning. After a while they will realise that you are in fact a man and be so confused that they will have sex with you, possibly, without even the need for Rohypnol LOL!
Just kidding folks, but it did knock a third off my monthly date rape drug outgoings, almost as much as when I started going steady with Alison.
OK now I am going to hand over to the aforementioned to write a few short pointers for women.

Women

Hello, my name is Alison. I am a woman. I am married to Ken. I’m just so sorry I had to go on a round the world cruise. *BOO HOO!*.
There there, Alison. Don’t cry. It’s ok, I forgive you.
I’ll take over. On the other hand, for women the key to dressing is to look as much like a woman as possible. But women aren’t allowed to do this as blatantly as men, which can often lead to confusion.
You can still show off your female shape but just covertly, for instance by wearing a skin coloured leotard with nipples drawn on. You see your whole body is covered, but it is so well detailed you are practically naked! Remember that little gem next time you’re off to ‘Spoons.

Suicide?

The only exception to this rule is if you’re body doesn’t conform to society’s increasingly unrealistic expectations. In this case you should
a) be asking yourself, is this really the life for you, wouldn’t suicide just be easier?
b) but if you’re a tenacious ol’ dog - cover up!
Obviously a body bag is first choice since ugly people tend to die young anyway thanks to stress and ugliness related shankings. But if you really want to show yourself off, I don’t know, perhaps on some primitive level you have a desire for a mate, (which is sweet in theory, but repulsive in practise) it has to be the bin bag. Just cut eye and/or breathing holes and you’re away. Ooh that reminds me, Tim is coming over for tea tomorrow.
Despite this seemingly obvious advice it is becoming more and more commonplace to see non-bodily conforming ‘slappers’ or ‘skanks’ walking the streets, sometimes displaying as many as two legs. Remember: if you are, I think the politically correct term is, ‘non-horrifically-ugly impaired’, stay out of normal beautiful people’s way. It really puts a downer on our evening if we’ve just been enjoying civilised high-brow drinks in an upmarket Kensington bar, when all of a sudden we see your crooked teeth and unkempt hair. Sure, on the surface we laugh, we laugh long and hard, but away from you in the privacy of our own homes we cry ourselves to sleep. Can you live with that? Sorry for the guilt trip, just keep to the pool halls and lay-bys of a night and we can all learn to live in harmony, like that song ‘Monkey Gone to Heaven’.
Anyway I’ve rattled on much longer than expected, hope I haven’t bored you too rigid and I’ll see you all again next time. Take care and dress well me ‘earties! (A bit of pirate slang for you there LOL).

It's Time Wasting Time

2006-03-29T13:19:00.000+01:00

Hello Holy Trinity, sorry I've taken so long to do another post. I would have done one sooner, but I couldn't really be bothered and I like to focus my energies on my solo blog where there aren't any other people to take the limelight away from me. Also I've been wasting a great deal of time. I'm pretty good at wasting time. Sometimes I get up early just so that I have more time to waste. Naturally it would be a pretty crap post if I just boasted about my time wasting skills the whole time, so I'm going to do the charitable thing and tell you how to be like me. Everybody wants to be like me, because I am the best. Here's a list, because they are dead easy to write and people like reading them. It's a list of good ways to waste time that I have found. So if you want to waste time, why not...

Spend several hours reading what people think about videogames that haven't been released or played by anybody yet on an internet forum. Then contribute your own meaningless conjecture based on a blurry two minute video that somebody captured on their Sony Ericsson at the Nintendo conference. If you like the look of it, make sure to compare it to sex. If you do not like the look of it, make sure to threaten to kill people. For example "It looks amazing! It looks like pure sex distilled into game form! All it needs to do now is give me a blowjob and it will be perfect!" or "It looks like a heap of ass. If it sucks as much as it looks like it is going to, I will stab a horse to death in a bus shelter".

Rearrange your entire DVD collection into a weird order that only you can understand, and then get fed up and put it back how it was.

Look out of the window at people walking around and try to guess what they are saying to each other. If you get bored of this, try rapping on the glass and then ducking out of view. Imagine their confused expressions and chuckle softly to yourself.

Come up with interesting 'what if?' scenarios and discuss them with an imaginary celebrity panel. Consider including film critic Mark Kermode and opinionated whale Vanessa Feltz. Paul Merton could provide humorous yet slightly tired and formulaic improvised scenarios involving flightless birds and woodland creatures.

Film yourself breaking crockery over your head and then put it on Google Video. In the description write 'Get a load of this moron!'

Write your own version of the hilarious Orange advertisements that play in the cinema. First select a celebrity and come up with a serious film for them to pitch to the comedy executives. Then have them ruin the idea by insisting on the insertion of mobile telephone related elements! Also that one on the end is pretty camp, and that's really funny. Have him say something in his camp voice for extra laughs.

See how high you can count. For every number over a million, award yourself with a delicious Werther's Original. They taste like being in Granny's car.

Go through the address book on your mobile phone and delete people you don't talk to. Do the same for your MSN contact list. With this done, you should realise how few friends you actually have. Make it your mission to fill the spaces with new friends that you actually like! This is doomed to fail but will waste a hell of a lot of time.

Write a bitter tirade against the ills of modern society and post it on your blog where nobody will read it. Post in the comments getting shirty about nobody reading the blog.

Get inside your cupboard and try to draw a picture of your favourite meal. If, for instance, your favourite meal is mashed potato, try to draw some mashed potato. When you leave the cupboard you will notice your drawing looks very little like what you wanted. Try and make a food that does look like the drawing. Eat it in the cupboard.

Combine various beers in an attempt to breed a super-beer. DO NOT DRINK IT.

Collect all of your burps in a sack and then release them in an aquarium one night.

Come up with a list of animals you think you could beat in a fight. For instance a cat, a platypus, a beetle. Then, on the other side of the paper, write a list of animals who you could not beat in a fight. Such as a heron, a bald eagle, a hippopotamus. Try to work out which animals on the first list could beat up which animals on the second list. Learn from their style and you should be able to beat all of the animals on both lists.

I am not good at endings so here it is.

The Irn Crtn

2006-03-18T12:53:00.000Z

Wah-ho! I know what you’re thinking, ‘a political post, at last something of actual consequence, he’s going to decry the unjustness of capitalism or perhaps a scathing review of communism and why, as brilliant as it is in theory, it will never work’.
‘But wait a sec, he’s spelt Iron Curtain wrong. Perhaps it’s just a typo’, but wait, a sinking feeling takes hold as you realise, this is The Holy Trinity, THERE ARE NO TYPPOS. A ha aha haHAHAH ha. Ha. Hmmmm …sigh.
No, sorry folks, another ultimately worthless post, but hopefully you’ll enjoy the ride and maybe, even learn something about yourselves along the way.
* * *
I haven’t really made much of my life to date, I once found a pound on the floor and this one time I made a replica of my house on The Sims, but apart from that my life was devoid of all meaning. But one fateful day, inspiration struck like an angry train. Irn Bru is probably my favourite ever drink and I was just considering how much nicer spirit drinking would be if it involved Irn Bru, and all of sudden it hit me! Why not mix Irn Bru and Vodka…wait, wait, wait, and I’ll call it, get this, Irn Crtn because Vodka is Russian, you see!?

The next thing I know I’m at a rare Brunel ‘non-soca and bashment night’, having a whale of a time. However, a few lessons were learnt by all:

- Don’t request ‘Debaser’ by Pixies three times, the stone cold sober DJ will not play it out of spite and being a jerk.
- Don’t approach random people thinking they’ll be as happy to see you as you are to ‘see’ them, they won’t be.

- Don’t put your FUCKING FEET ON THE TABLE OR I’LL KICK YO PUNK ASS OUTTA HERE JOSHUA ROBERTS, YOU KNOW YOUR KIND ISN’T WELCOME HERE!
- Don’t give a guy called Adel the old come-on after he calls you pretty or he will kiss your face and you will be photographed with a look of sheer delight on your face.

- Don’t start a mini moshpit with your mates, as one of them will push you playfully into an aggressive man who will ram you back much harder. You will apologise profusely and ‘play it safe’, looking around furtively, careful not to come within 10 feet of anyone for the rest of the night.

+ Do sit down on the line “oh sit down, sit down next to me” causing everyone else in the club to follow suit, but make sure to fully credit Josh as the brains of the scheme or face possible decapitation and rape. (N.B. Josh actually sat down upon recognizing the song from the opening bars – Chris, scared for life and anal virginity)
+ Do put on sweet make up for example Adam Ant’s white head band and stripe plus a touching ‘emo tear’ of black make up, but don’t be a complete puss in boots and wipe it off after 2 minutes.

+ Do have pretend bottle fights and switch to drinking and laughing just as security get there.
+ Do have amazing out of this world Spaced-style gun fights on a tremendous scale, bringing looks of awe and respect from all around.

To see an online gallery of our adventures follow the LINK
So there you have it people, play safe, keep it real, and other meaningless phrases.

The Nineties: Part I - Music

2006-03-14T23:35:00.000Z

I received a chain email the other day, yesterday in fact. I usually delete chain emails straight away, because invariably they are sent by idiots. Especially the ones that tell you to read a load of crap and make a wish, and send the email on to at least 16 people in the next 5 minutes to make the wish come true, or else a member of your immediate family will die of liver failure within the month. I'm especially wary of them since I got one a couple of weeks ago that was about this babysitter who wanted to watch Sky on a TV upstairs, so she went into the parents bedroom to settle down to some Most Haunted Live! or whatever, but she noticed something which made her ring the parents she was sitting for. So she said 'Look, I wanna watch Sky in your bedroom, but that clown statue is really creeping me out, so do you mind if I just put a towel over it so I don't have to look at its hideous face?' Firstly, why would you ring them jut to say that?! Anyway, so the parents said, 'Quick, take the children and get out of the house right now... WE DON'T HAVE A CLOWN STATUE IN OUR BEDROOM!!' Overreaction perhaps, but as it turns out the clown was a dressed-up homicidal maniac just loitering in an upstairs bedroom. No, I don't know why either. But this clown then proceeded to slaughter the baby sitter and the children. True story apparently. So anyway, it then said at the bottom 'Send this email on to everyone in your address book or you the clown will come to your bedroom and kill you at 3am tonight!'. WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT AROUND?? It didn't even have a point or anything! It bloody well shit me up a bit, who needs that hanging over them?? I didn't send it on. I decided that the clown couldn't be in everyones' room at 3am, and he'd probably go alphabetically by surname of those who didn't send it on, so he probably wouldn't get around to me. Luckily he didn't. But I did still wait up til 3am just in case.

Anyway, my point. The email I received yesterday was titled 'How you know that you're a kid of the nineties!' although it probably wasn't punctuated properly like that. But it got me thinking, and as I was short on ideas for the blog, I decided I could pillage its content alongside my own reflections on that great decade that was. In fact I may even do it as a series, just to bail me out next time I'm creatively barren.

So after my long-winded introduction, let's get it on. Until I forced myself to consider it intensely I had always assumed that the nineties sucked in every possible manner. 'But what about all those great times you had?', I said to myself. Well I thought about that and realised that those great times were spent pretty much during the eighties and new millennium.

But as always I was being overly-facetious without even realising it. The nineties were amazing, and I will explain why. Firstly, by the magical form of Music!

The Early Years

I keep thinking I must be wrong, but I'm not. From 1990 to 1993 the only songs that were released were dance tracks with women vocalists. The absolute classic from this period was, of course, No Limits by the musical giants 2Unlimited. Now obviously I am not being serious, they were in no way musical giants, but only due to one horrendous mistake. Their name. 'I know, let's have a name which corresponds with the huge hit we're ready to release, that'll be mental! Think about how well that'll go together!', is what they said. But this myopia cost them their career; they could have been the band that The Beatles could have been! It's the same with The Fast Food Rockers. What the fuck are you gonna do when you want to be taken seriously and release a bitter-sweet prog-rock odyssey about a friend who perished due to his crack addiction?? Well you can't do that, because you're the fucking Fast Food Rockers who only sing crap songs about MacDonalds, you goddamn sell-outs! Back on track, the stand out star of this dance party era was undoubtedly Alex Party, whose greatest hits include Dreamer and Don't Give Me Your Life (Your Life, Give Me Your Life Doo Doo De Doo Doo). Now they were dance floor classics, and the staple of any worthwhile school disco at the time. And Meatloaf, in my school's case.
Luckily there were artists who succeeded in breaking this cross-decade confusion. This cultural overspill from the eighties was soon mopped up by the likes of Nirvana and their legendarily overrated but still very good Nevermind, and their contemporaries such as Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Even though these bands borrowed heavily from the eighties (or downright stole from Pixies in Nirvana's case), they should still be thanked for disposing of a dance craze that was in danger of becoming accepted by human kind. I mean, imagine if it hadn't ended and the charts these days were just full of dance remixes hahaha...

The Mid Nineties And Britpop!

The gap between the early nineties and mid nineties was conveniently bridged by Bryan Adams and Wet Wet Wet hogging the number one spot for three years between them. People grew tired with the tedium of dance music and bought 30 copies each of the above records because they had words and different chords and they were in heart-wrenching films starring Kevin Costner and Hugh Grant.

But young mancunian men got angry at this comandeering of the musical scene, and took it into their hands to create a new wave of guitar-based noise. Oh how everyone (boring) loved Oasis! With their Wonderwalls and their Don't Look Back In Angers... But what about the girls? Take That had imploded; Whigfield had promised so much and failed to deliver - the gap was a gaping one. Blah blah blah The Spics Girls etc. Everyone knows and nobody cares, so I'll skip it. What these 'people' did do, however, was mask the brilliance of other more deserving artists. Radiohead's masterpieces The Bends and OK Computer were both released during this time, as was the greatest album ever, Jeff Buckley's Grace. But who cares - so was MMMBOP!!!

A New Millennium

The late nineties was a strange time for music. Britpop was not really dying the death that it deserved, but was instead levelling out into a more acceptable form. Irish boybands were a horrendous vogue, led by The Westlives. But from across the pond a young, blonde-haired ragamuffin who sang fast with lots of rhyming words about taking drugs and killing his wife came to inject a j'oie de vivre into a turgid music scene. And his name... was Aaron Carter. And so Will Smith's undisputed title as Best Rapper In The World was in dispute.
But it wasn't all bad! The foundations were laid for the indie rock paradise that we currently inhabit, with some half-decent bands being formed. Coldplay released their only good album and inspired a million copycat bands that the world desperately needed. But The White Stripes balanced things out slightly by being a genuinely interesting and relatively unique rock experience that has continued into the naughties (LOL!!).

So it was ups and downs I guess. But a great philosopher once didn't say that roses smell a lot better if you smell lots of shit first. And the nineties are case in point. And they can't have been any worse than the bloody eighties eh?? Well...

The Rebel Prince's Top Ten Songs Of The Nineties:

10. Spaceman - Babylon Zoo
9. Sex On The Beach - T-Spoon
8. Brimful Of Asha - Cornershop
7. Here Comes The Hotstepper - Ini Kamoze
6. Lovefool - The Cardigans
5. Back For Good - Take That
4. Return Of The Mack - Mark Morrison
3. Sweat (A La La La La Long) - Inner Circle
2. You Only Get What You Give - New Radicals

And the number one greatest song ever from the 1990s is...

1. Would I Lie To You - Charles & Eddie

How To Be Popular Part 2: Making Conversation

2006-03-08T01:40:00.000Z

Meeting New People

You may often find that you’re talking to someone new that you really like and you want to keep talking to them, but you just run out of things to say! Now this happens to most people (obviously not me as I am writing this advice, but you catch my drift...) however you mustn’t worry - everyone experiences this momentary panic and a desperate rush to break the silence. You may think that, on the contrary, the other person is completely confident and is just bored rigid by you. You may see the silence grow in front of you like a giant hydra, writhing and screaming, pulsating and growing ever larger under the fiery sun. But don’t do this you silly billy, that’s just your stupid nerdy imagination running away with you. Now I will let you in on a little secret, the only way to be confident and not descend into a downward spiral of self loathing and silence is to KILL THE IMAGINATION.

Easy Steps

Now there are a number of easy, all-natural ways to do this, some so simple as to be laughable; let’s all laugh Ah ha haha HAHAHA. Oh dear. Sorry, I got a bit carried away there, you see once your imagination is STONE DEAD it is quite sublimely easy to laugh at anything: International disasters, Will and Grace, Alison’s funeral… But perhaps that was just the nice man with the Nitrous Oxide?
Anyway I digress, the easiest way to kill a large number of braincells is also wicked fun - Television! You can watch your progress in real time as well! The first time I watched Will and Grace, I thought, 'OK, it’s pretty fucking hilarious that this flamer lives with a HOTTY like Debra Messing, but the dialogue is awful and the characters are two dimensional'. However after two episodes I was laughing my way through earthquakes, floods and even acts of international terrorism.

Another great way to lose precious umm… head lump dealies, is the proud art of Boxing! Basically there are only two rules in Boxing: Hit the other guy until he slips over in his own blood, and stop fighting every so often for a quick hug. This last one has always baffled me, but perhaps it is to keep it a sport rather than pure Grievous Bodily Harm. At any rate, the first rule means you can have a great time beating the bejeesus out of some schmuck, stopping every so often to run off the thick grey brain paste building up in your ear.
By the next time you are speaking to someone, you will barely be able to keep them in focus, let alone worry about what they think of you!

Anyway real friends like Scarlett Johansson will always be there for you, even when Alison leaves you to go on a round the world cruise. I wonder when she’s getting back…

Creative Writing Notes

2006-03-07T01:40:00.000Z

Sarah,
I was cleaning the room after your class last Thursday and I came across these notes that students left behind. Perhaps you could pass them onto the students, as they may have been left in error. Thanks, George (Cleaning)

Plot Exercise

Two guys upset a gang by accidentally walking in on a murder and messing it up.

The gang gets revenge by killing one of the two guys.

The other guy gets together a team of guys.

The team go and kill a bunch of gang members.

~~The end~~.

Had a much better idea: THE GANG GET REVENGE!

Possibly followed by more revenge.

Call it 'Revenge' or something like that.

Autobiographical Writing
The best moment of my life was when I won the football game for my football team at school. It was a really long game and it went on for a long time, longer than normal. This was because there was a lot of football going on and it was impossible to cram it into the normal football timeslot. Anyway it had come down to the last couple of minutes and it looked like we were going to lose. But at the last second I kicked the football and it went into the goal. The guy in front of the goal jumped in the wrong direction and it went right past him! I was awarded the 'Man Of The Match' award and we got to go to the next round, where we were beaten 12-0 by bigger boys.

Haikus
I went to the shops
I bought some milk and some cheese
It was really nice

Grandma's hair is thick
Curly, dense and so brittle
I cut it all off

What is the time please?
I left my watch in the car,
and it got stolen.

O! Fragile light that doth cut through the autumnal air,
Canst thou not settle upon some other poor fool?
I am tired of thine cheerful bent, for I am one who lives in darkness
My world grown cold and dreary in the absence of my love.
What cruel torture is this?
I desire to die.

Do the funky goose,
It's the dance of the cool kids
We all do it now.

Bastard bastard arse
Arse bastard bastard bastard
Arse arse bastard arse.

Haiku if you do
I can haiku, can you too?
Do a haiku please.

Character Exercise
Matt was a nineteen year old university student. His good looks and winning charm meant that he was a real hit with the ladies. In particular, he had extremely attractive, totally natural looking black hair, although he often wore a stylish hat. His skin was clear and blemish-free and his teeth were straight and gleaming white. His dress sense was impeccable, and he made sure to never wear the same outfit twice. Everybody loved him and thought he was great.

Limericks
There once was a man from Seattle
Whose joints always made a weird rattle
He was full of dried peas
Was a fan of John Cleese
And was killed by a big herd of cattle.

There once was a girl from Brunel
Who was worried about her smell
She put on deodorant
And found that the smell improved dramatically

Haikus

2006-03-03T23:59:00.000Z

It's ok, fear not! We are still here. We've all had important things to do, which has caused a certain neglect to take hold of the Trinity blog. I have had various royal adventures which required my attention. Matt's been busy playing Mario Kart DS. Chris was eating. But we're back now! Well, I am...

So, what does the Rebel Prince do when he isn't slaying dragons? He writes haikus. What's that Matt? Yes, you're right. Poetry is for girls. But haikus are for Japanese samurais with big fucking swords. So I thought I would share my favourites with you. Here they are. Below.

Biker

A biker named Dave
Flaming skull on your jacket
You ride from my life

Sweet Pup

Black circle of hair
You frame my mouth with wisdom
Noel Edmonds: My hero

Love

Christopher P. Dunne
Your hair echoes through the age
And whispers my name

The Joy Of DOND

Oh Deal Or No Deal
What hold you in your casket?
The meaning of life

Zombie

Hey you, zombie boy!
Look my way and taste my spade
'Remove head', they said

Matty Matt Matt

Matthew Donald Sharp
Wearing your hat like a God
The other one's shit

The Holy Trinity

Holy Trinity
The best blog there ever was
HAIKUS ARE BULLSHIT!

So there you have it friends. Try it your self. The only rule is... there are no rules!*

* Must have five syllables, then seven syllables, then five syllables, or else it's wrong.

Epic Bollywood Movies

2006-01-25T21:20:00.003Z

Having seen 50 Cent's film today, I have come to the conclusion that pretty much anyone can make a film. In celebration of this fact, here are a choice selection of home made Holy Trinity gems. Unbelievably, they were actually made on a rather low budget, and some of the different scenes are actually identical apart from the subtitles. However you would be hard pushed to notice, unless you are some sort of film geek of course! Chuckle chuckle. No seriously though, no nerds allowed on this site.

The Holy Trinity

The Tragic Life And Death Of A Hero

Rugged Horse

Marmite

Domestic Bliss

Chris... PAPER!!

Typical Egyptian Market Place

Card Sharks

The Funniest Man In The World

The Rebel Prince's Guide To Cool Lingo

2006-01-23T21:06:00.000Z

That's right boys and girls, The Rebel Prince is finally here, and he's here to help. It's been a long wait, and it probably won't be worth it, but screw it. I don't care what you think. I'm edgy like that.
Now, the fact that you're at home on your Mac reading all this shit suggests to me that you have some sort of social disfunction. Well your problems are most likely to be deeply inset by now, but DON'T FRET. I can sort you out. Gradually.
First things first - you remember that posh guy who had to pretend to be a ragamuffin graffiti-artist in the only interesting episode of Faking It? Well the reason it was so stupid that the judges didn't work out that he was obviously just some guy from the Home Counties is that he still sounded like a posh nob, despite the evident quality of his graffiti work. So with that in mind, I'm gonna learn ya how to spit it like some Street Urchin King. Because to relate in any way to the cool kids (or 'wankers'), you have to be able to speak their language.
Here, therefore, are fifteen words and phrases to get you started. Master these basics and already you'll be part way up the ladder that leads to the height of cooldom...

Biff (n.) e.g "He was so mad, he got in a right biff!"
Ah, a nice simple one to get you going. Biff simply means to get in a mood or a strop about something.

Blazin' (ad.) e.g "Dude, I just found an unopened Starburst on the floor - I'm blazin'!"
A term to describe ones own emotions in relation to a natural high. Not to be confused with former teen/feral group Blazin Squad. They weren't happy. They were shit.

Bonus Spinal Leech (ad.) e.g "Ummm... you're a bonus spinal leech."
That example is a slight misleading in all honesty, for if you were to call a bonus spinal leech that then they would probably introduce you to Mr. Flick-Knife. Logic and rationale is not a pre-requisite for all, or indeed most, cool phrases and this is the perfect example. It relates to what is now known as a 'chav', but is of course much funnier.

Bubsy (n.) e.g "So Take That just broke up again? Get over it and stop having a bubsy."
A bubsy is succinctly to act like cry baby. Nothing funny to add here.

Chump (n.) e.g "Get a load of this chump, turning up with only five minutes of the lecture left!"
Chump is maybe my favourite word! It's such a good term of mild abuse. It has a real sense of resignation about it too, which is exactly how chumps make you feel. Use it. Lots.

Cramazy (ad.) e.g "Did you see that guy eat his own hand?? That was cramazy!"
Is it crazy? Is it amazing? Then it's cramazy. Another awesome word.

Fresh (ad.) e.g "Fresh. Fresh fresh fresh. Fresh."
A particular favourite of the reigning Street Urchin King, Darryl Kemp. You can call anything fresh. Use it and use it until it has lost all meaning, and you will be a man my son.

Gayer than a window (ad.) e.g "Have you seen Brokeback Mountain? It's gayer than a window."
Well windows are pretty gay aren't they?? Who cares, get it said.

Hillage (ad.) see Hoyler

Hoyler (n.) e.g "That kid with the abacus is such a hoyler." "Yeah, he's definitely exhibiting signs of hillage!"
The Hoyler/Hillage axis - truely a work of genius. Descriptive terms for losers, basically. I'm not really at liberty to go into the etymology of the respective terms, I'm not sure if anyone really knows any more, but rumour has it the terms derive from the original pioneers of losership.

Money (ad.) e.g "Did you see Peep Show last night - it was money!"
Everyone thinks money is good, even communists. That's why they try to hoard it all in the upper echelons and deny the common man. Stalin never went without, did he? Thus, money = good. Well good, even.

Nugg (n.) e.g "I just lost three nuggs on Itbox Monopoly. Stupid dog..."
A nugg is another word for one of your English pound sterling golden coins. A better word.

Off the heezy fo' sheezy (ad.) e.g "Deal Or No Deal was off the heezy fo' sheezy yesterday - Irene went away with £5!"
Deriving from the phrase 'off the hook', which means really good. I guess that's because everyone hates getting phone calls, and no-one can call you if the phone is off the hook. This is the latin version, which translates roughly as 'off the hook for shook'. I don't know why you have to shake the phone though... Maybe it's wet?

Swedish (ad.) e.g "I just smuggled a Kinder Egg in with my pick n' mix and got away with it!" "Swedish!"
Self-explanatory really. Sweden was recently voted Best Country Ever for the 76th year running by the Guild Of Irish Boybands. So who are you to argue? Thus, anything really good is swedish, because that's what things from Sweden are called.

Sweet Pup (n./ad.) e.g "You can distinguish all of the bad guys in 24 cos they've all got sweet pups!"
A sweet pup, in case you don't already know (shame on you!) is the name given to a particularly awesome goatee, or 'goat'. From this comes the adjective 'pup', which is a positively re-inforcing denoter.

Rank (ad.) e.g "Why did David Beckham have an affair with Rebecca Loos when she's so rank?"
Another Rebel Prince favourite. A bottom-of-the-barrel descriptive term for something that's particularly horrible or rancid.

So there you have it. Get to grip with these basics and soon you'll be able to brave the playground again without the fear of absolute humiliation. And if in any doubt, don't forget the Golden Rule of cool grammar - end every sentence you speak with either 'innit' or, even better, 'issit', EXCEPT any circumstance in which it may make grammatical sense.

I've been the Rebel Prince. You stay classy, listeners.

Bruniversity

2006-01-08T19:29:00.001Z

Hey dudes, I'm back at Bruni but you, as you know, are not. This is unprecedented, the holy trinity is broken; it's like I'm gold without my buddies, the nice smelling Frankincense and Myrrh. But to ease my pain I have written you limericks. I started them nice but I'm afraid they ended up dirty.

There was a young man called Matt Sharp,
Who wanted to learn to play Harp,
He tried and he failed, so he sighed and he bailed
And went back to screwing Koi Carp

(edit) I have cut Josh's because it is shit, however I have left matt's because otherwise there would be very little to this post. But to make up for it I have included a lovely fly game click START now

Excerpt from William Shakespeare's "To Deal Or Not To Deal"

2006-01-04T10:38:00.000Z

NOEL: Irene, fair and sweet player of this most noble game, yonder friend Banker has granted you a truly magnanimous offer of four thousand coin for the box which is lain before you. By process of careful elimination, we have alighted at the deduction that thine own receptacle may contain the value of ten thousand coin, or otherwise the mere value of five coin. Having studied the avenues open to the player, have you reached a judicious resolution to your path in this contest? Irene, I stand before you to ask you, deal or no deal?

IRENE: No deal, Noel.

NOEL: O! What perturbation! Such vivacity! Such ebullience! The conclusion is now obscured, and the match hath become ever more stimulating! Irene, kindly breach the seal on thine casket and end the torment visited upon us!

The box is opened. Contained is five pounds.

NOEL: Irene!

IRENE: Today the game hath made a fool of me
O! Destroyed by naught but mine own vast greed
My sight t'were blinded by cruel temptation
I feel great sorrow and not elation
I do so hate mine vile and hungry eye
And so my last sad act must be to die

Irene expires.

NOEL: Friends! Go forth today a lesson learned.
Your fortune must be fairly earned.
Turn from your greed and stay your hand,
And you may win a hundred grand.
Then you'll have but yourself to thank,
When through all ill you beat the bank.

Exuent Noel

Idea For A Sweet Movie

2005-12-25T23:18:00.000Z

Okay you guys, how about this for some Christmas Day inspiration?

The film is about a grizzled, hard-bitten detective. He may not play by the rules, but by Christ he gets results. Unfortunately for our hero, this doesn't sit well with his overbearing chief who likes to do things by the book. When the detective is taken off the case of his life, he becomes depressed. He stalks home and hits the bottle really hard. Then he starts drinking heavily. In his drunken stupor he stumbles into his wardrobe, where he is transported to an enchanted world. He is told of the problems that blight this world and encounters an evil witch. However he doesn't really care so he goes home to eat Doritos and wank. Then the guys from magic land bust out of the wardrobe and drag him screaming back in. Just after that the chief calls to tell him he is back on the case but it is too late.

The end.

How To Be popular Part1: Music

2005-12-19T20:50:00.000Z

Popularity

Some people do not care at all for the giddy heights of popularity. These people are called social elitists, they like virtually no-one and in return no-one likes them. However, everyone else in the world is deeply insecure and requires constant assurance that people actually find them interesting. In fact no-one finds any one else interesting; they just pretend to listen, while they run through their favourite 'Everybody loves Raymond' episodes in their heads, chuckling to themselves every now and then. This comforts the other conversant, allowing her (Ooh I'm so P.C.) to feel confident, continuing her anecdote and in turn allowing the other to further enjoy the comedy of Ray Romano.
If you are that tiny minority that despises people, look away now and go back to worshipping Morrissey as some sort of Heathen Sun God. If you make up the other 99.9% of the population, craving the warm glow of social acceptance, it is not enough that you try to 'be yourself' or follow other such antiquated notions. Indeed, you must try with all your might to avoid such despicable individuality and follow strict guidelines, put in place by a higher power, that is to say, me.

Music

Now, everyone loves music, except the deaf, but they are just whiny bastards that find it funny to talk incoherently, causing you great embarrassment when in public. But they are talking shit because Beethoven, one of the greatest singer songwriters of all time, was deaf, and just look at his Greatest Hits CD. They're all there!
Everyone loves music and the best way to connect with someone is to share your mutual passion. Unfortunately it is not as simple as you might think. For example, it is not advisable to say "I quite like music, do you?" because the target is likely to question your mental ability. They may even suspect you of being a child trapped in a man's body ala Tom Hanks in the hit movie "Big". However, they are less likely to fall in love with you, Elizabeth Perkins style, and will probably just ignore you or slap you repeatedly.
The reason for this is that music actually exists in little packets or "quanta" known commonly as songs. Each song is written by an "artist" and has a unique tune or "melody". In order to connect with someone, rather than express enthusiasm for a particular song, you should like an artist and all of her songs.

DANGER

Now, my young fresh faced apprentice, don't fall into an obvious trap. In your eagerness to communicate your love of music, you may just say you love all music and anything anyone suggests. In so doing, you are overlooking the reason music is separated; so that you can find numerous faults in your target's favourite music, making him feel small and therefore respect you more. In fact it is advisable to like as little music as possible, and if you can narrow it down to one single note, e.g. F#, then WELL DONE, you are well on your way to popularity.

Smug Motherfucker

But don't get complacent, you're not there yet, you smug motherfucker. There are some exceptions to this rule. I, in my near god like wisdom, have devised a way to like as many artists as you like and still be popular. How can this be possible?! JESUS, SON OF JOSEPH AND MARY, HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE!? you ask. Well, all you have to do is like very obscure, unsuccessful bands. It is doesn't matter if these bands are unsuccessful for a reason. In fact, you may not even like them yourself, but the fact that your target hasn't heard of them allows you to blow them away with your musical knowledge. You should say that the artist is like a cross between two other artists, for example, Muse and Marvin Gaye. You should also say that it fuses two genres together and give the resulting fusion a very bad name, for example, Reggae and Soul; Soggae. Finally you should say that the artist uses highly complex Chord Progressions, reminiscent of a young Andre Previn, as no-one will know what you are talking about. They will now feel so inadequate that they will probably sell their car and go and live in the woods, and you will feel great!

Well Done

Well Done! You have successfully helped yourself along the path to universal acceptance, I look forward to seeing you when you get here, friend. You, Me and Scarlett Johansson will all have to have a game of Billiards sometime.

Keristmass

2005-12-17T22:18:00.000Z

You have probably noticed that it is Christmas soon and I bet you are well excited. I am very excited because the other day I took a peek in the cupboard where my mother hides the presents, and my God has she spent a lot of money this year. Anyway underneath her huge pile of dildos was my present and it's a pin badge with a picture of a bear on it. It's pretty sweet.

Christmas is sort of weird now though. I find it honestly surprising and a bit odd when somebody connects it with Jesus now. Christmas isn't about Jesus, it's about presents and food. Pretending otherwise is just silly because nobody cares about Jesus anymore as we are all godless heathens who fuck virgins and smoke all the time.

The best Christmas song is called 'Merry Christmas Everyone' and it is by Shakin' Stevens. Good ol' Shakey takes his name from his ravenous lust for milkshakes, specifically those which bring all of the boys to the yard, where he beats and strangles them. Oh Shakey, you old dog.

In conclusion, Christmas is about having to spend a lot of time with your family while they talk about stuff that's really boring and then dad goes to sleep on the cat and we all have a good laugh. Merry christmas!

Beautiful People

2005-12-14T20:30:00.000Z

I am currently watching a programme about a woman who doesn't wear make-up. People think she is about 50 when she is 40, but never fear! Expert stylists have caked her in maybelline and now people think she is 36. This sort of programme is good because it highlights unforgivably ugly people and teaches them how to fit in with the beautiful people. I also like the shows that criticise superficial people on wife swap who only love their wife because they came first in the 1982 Ms. Doncaster. These are splendid because shallow, horrible people like this must not be allowed. Only beautiful, deep people. Like Scarlett Johanson.

This Is The Best Blog On The Internet

2005-12-14T15:12:00.000Z

Thousands of new blogs are created each day. Most of them are shit. Actually, just about all of them are shit. When you get down to it, there are only two good blogs on the internet. It is no coincidence that I am a contributor on both of them. It is also no coincidence that I am only a contributor on two blogs. Everything I touch turns to gold, because I am the King Midas of the internet, except without the terrible consequences that reared their heads towards the end of the story. Just stick to the bit at the start where he's all 'Holy shit I am gonna be a rich man now', even though he was already a king.

I have messed with the template so that this blog doesn't look like a load of others. The best way to survive in Blog land is to write a blog that is not much like a blog, because blogs suck.

Shit I have to go out. Anyway in summary I am so fucking amazing there is no joke.