Behind Closed Doors: Making A Trinity

Clicking the 'Create New Blog' button on the Blogger homepage is not a task that should be taken lightly. It should be taken very heavily, because when you create a blog you create a whole host of new responsibilities. There's the responsibility to the Blogger community as a whole, to uphold the standards of relevance and interest that have guided blogs since their inception. There's the responsibility to the thousands of readers you will instantly attract, to provide intelligent and developed commentary and to be consistently entertaining. And then there's the responsibility to yourself, to prove that you're not just some internet idiot but a fully rounded writer. All this is heavy stuff, so it should come as no surprise to learn that things aren't always rosy behind the scenes of your favourite blogs. With this in mind, please enjoy these selected extracts from our files.

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To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: Collaboration?
Hey man. If you look at the new lists down the side of the blog you can see that Chris totally has us beat numbers wise. I think we should combine our talents to write a post, what do you think? It might be good if we just talked on msn for an hour and posted the log, but if you can think of anything better that's cool. Get back to me.

To: Matt
From: Josh
RE: Collaboration?
No offense man but I don't think that's such a good idea. My caustic, world-weary outlook wouldn't mesh with your misanthropic bi-polar shock tactics. Thanks anyway.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: Collaboration?
BI-POLAR?! FUCK YOU MAN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT I SHOULD JUST WALK OFF THIS FUCKING STUPID BLOG ASSHOLE. I do think you should consider it though, get back to me if you change your mind. DUDE IT'D BE FREAKING AWESOME COME ON!!

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How To Be Popular: The Human Body [rough draft]
by Chris

If you want to be really cool and popular like me, you've got to have sex make love engage in coitus with as many attractive people individuals as possible (as is humanly possible?) The way to achieve this lofty aim is to have in your posssessssion the most atttractive body posible, as people are ultimately shallow... Different people find different things attractive arousing but there are some gold standards that i can teach you with my incredible teaching skills that i got from a man I met in Tibet this one time when I was looking for the lost gold of Calahunis up a mountain and I nearly fell off and he saved me and taught me some teaching skills and in return I played Stairway to Heaven on my guitar for him and he loved it so much he gave me a kiss and we made sweet love all night long until it became too cold up the mountain and we had to retreat to his hut where he made me hot chocolate and sang Barry White songs for me (posssibly run on sentence, check with Josh).

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To: Matt
From: Chris
RE: Treachery
What's this I hear about you and Josh working together on a post? That's hardly fair is it? I work my butt off for this blog, don't I? I think you two should take a leaf out of my book, don't you? Yes I think so. Come on dude, this is the Holy Trinity, not The Holy Two...ity. Twoity. DUO! OK!?

To: Chris
From: Matt
RE: Treachery
I'm really sorry you feel that way Chris, but I think you must have got the wrong end of the stick. It was a mere suggestion and we decided not to go through with it anyway SO MUSCLE OUT YOU STUPID DICK ALRIGHT? WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE?! HUH?!?!? FUCKING STUPID FAG TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, GO SUCK A DICK YOU FUCKING COCK! Sorry for any misunderstanding.

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New Post (need to think of a title)
by Josh

Hi guys it's me! It's been a while but this time I am definately back and

fuck this

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To: Josh
From: Chris
RE: Matt
Hey man, I'll cut to the chase. I don't want to be a hardass, but Matt just sent me a very offensive email and I'm pretty upset to be honest. He has totally shaken my delicate sensibilities with his offensive language and aggressive demeanor. Now I'm not saying he should be taken off the blog, that would be unfair. I do, however, think we should kick him out of the band as he can't really play any instrument and he certainly can't sing or even write lyrics. Also there is no way I am moving in with that jerk next year.

To: Chris
From: Josh
RE: Matt
Sure whatever.

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Comedy Bulleted List
by Matt

• Why not do something involving some minor celebrities?!


• I don't like dogs.


• I like cats.


• Mashed potato.


• A TOTALLY WACKY MONKEY AND AN ELEPHANT AND SOME JAM AND A BADGER HAHAHAHAHAHA!


• I would like to go to KFC and purchase some fried chicken to eat.


• I bought a new DVD and I like it


• Something offensive, probably about Muslims or Jesus or something


• The last film I saw was AWESOME!!!!

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To: Chris, Josh
From: Matt
RE: YOU FUCKING GUYS
Alright fine kick me out of the band, just see if I give a shit. You can't use any of the cool names I thought of now though. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU BASTARDS!?! FUCKING DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! No regrets though, right? Oh by the way if you guys want to come over for some beers later that would be cool, we could watch some DVDs or something. That'd be sweet. I saw a pretty sweet pup the other day actually. It was sheer. Wish it could go on the wall of pups next year! Oh yeah, when are we moving into the house?

To: Matt
From: Josh
RE: YOU FUCKING GUYS
Chris and I are moving into the house on the 28th of June. You are not.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: OK FUCK YOU
GODDAMN YOU PAIR OF COMPLETE CUNTS WHY DON'T YOU GO AND BURN IN HELL YOU STUPID PAIR OF FUCKS DAMN YOU DAMN YOU DAMN YOU FUCK YOU AND DIE ASSHOLE BASTARD CUNT MINGE FUCKHEAD FAGGOTS. No hard feelings.

To: Matt
From: Chris
RE: one more thing
Please stop looking in my window at night, I don't like it.