A Week In The Life – Josh's Diary Or Whatever

Monday 23rd October

We skipped the screening for our Sci-Fi module today because it was Doctor Who. In Matt's case it was because he'd seen it before loads of times, and in my case it was because Doctor Who is a stupid piece of shit. It's just some wanker going around in a box shouting at things. And what the hell is the point of the Daleks? They're about as scary as a biscuit tin and just as exciting. No wait, they are less exciting because I quite like biscuits. Pity I never get to eat any because I know that Chris and Matt will just eat them all up like they did all the time last year. What fucking cheek. We went to the seminar in the afternoon though. I think that Matt is in love with the lecturer, Steven Duckworth. He probably doesn't even like Doctor Who or Vans shoes or Kim Deal or Lipton Ice Tea. What a little creep. We went home and ate delicious microwaved chicken burgers. I think Chris was a little bit upset because he was in one of his stupid fanny 'meat is murder' moods but he can just fuck off. Later I played Resident Evil 4. I like to imagine that the baddies are Chris and Matt as I shoot their faces off. "FUCKING DIE" I scream, imagining the broken contorted faces of my housemates ripped apart by buckshot.

Tuesday 24th October

Chris left his light on again today when he went out. I was so angry I bit through a piece of wood. Then I started a little fire in my room and cried into it. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. I wish Matt would update the Holy Trinity more often. He keeps writing new things for the fucking Mattrix instead. Nobody reads the Mattrix, it's the biggest piece of shit on the internet and it's not funny and nor is he. I guess when we are writing our sitcom I will have to do all the jokes. I don't know what Matt is going to do, I just felt sorry for him really. He's not even as good looking as me for God's sake. But then who is? Nobody. He dragged me and Chris along to the fucking Sci-Fi Society meeting again, even though I didn't want to go as usual. I hate leaving the house, it sucks ass. Anyway we saw Predator 2, which I thought was really good. Matt and Chris seemed to hate it though, so I just went along with them for once. It tore me up inside and when I got home I punched a hole in my desk.

Wednesday 25th October

I played Resident Evil 4 again today. One of the baddies fell on the floor and I imagined it was Matt as I strolled over and slashed his neck with a knife. The blood sprayed across the rough ground and satisfaction throbbed through my veins. He screamed and clutched futilely at the air, choking out his last breath. I fired a bullet into his skull to be sure, and his head was torn apart instantly. The crimson spray made me feel like a god. I screamed "DIE DIE DIE" at the top of my lungs and clapped loudly and gleefully. It was the best moment of my life. For dinner I had chicken nuggets and potato wedges and a huge pile of grated cheese for some reason. I was dragged away from my cheese and videogame murder to go to Cherry Pop at the club. They didn't play enough George Michael for my tastes, so when I got home I was so cross I broke a metal bar across my forehead.

Thursday 26th October

Fucking hell. Chris left his light on again today, and after I vented my rage by tearing a sheet of wallpaper down and chewing it, I went in to turn it off. Jesus. That room smells like a tractor that has just driven over the rotting corpse of a bull. Also there is something smeared on the walls but I would rather die than find out what it is. It is the worst thing in the world. I went to the shop to buy some more cheese because I had a whole block of it with my dinner last night, and the man with the hat was very distant even when I tried to make conversation. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody ever. In the evening we watched Dead Man's Shoes, which is the greatest film ever made. I imagined that I was Paddy Considine and that I was stalking and killing Matt and Chris. I sure would love to stuff Chris inside a suitcase and show him to Matt and then stab Matt. I hated it when Paddy Considine died at the end. If I were him I wouldn't have died, I would have kept going and killed and killed and killed. Chris called me gay so I went up to my room and tore up all my books.

Friday 27th October

Ugh. We went to our Creative Writing lecture today and it was horrible. We had to read out our ideas for our final projects, and Matt was cracking out the fucking funnies as usual. Everybody laughed except me, because he was just being a cunt. I was so angry I almost snapped my biro in half and yelled "FUCK" but I held it in. Then I read my amazing idea out and everybody instantly realised that it was the best idea ever. The woman asked who thought it was 'compelling' and everybody put their hands up except for Matt because he wasn't listening. He was probably thinking up some faggot joke like the big shit he is. I was this close to punching him in the back of the head. Luckily we have Pro Evo 6 now, so I am holding in the rage. I like to slide tackle people and imagine they are Chris or Matt as they crumple to the floor with broken ankles and cry out in anguish. Getting a red card is small price to pay if it means I get to see them lying on the grass, faces twisted in agony. Then the computer player beat me, so I threw a brick at a bird outside. It smashed it right up but it wasn't dead so I stood on its head.