The Holy Trinity

Better than God. Three Gods.

28.4.06

Behind Closed Doors: Making A Trinity

Clicking the 'Create New Blog' button on the Blogger homepage is not a task that should be taken lightly. It should be taken very heavily, because when you create a blog you create a whole host of new responsibilities. There's the responsibility to the Blogger community as a whole, to uphold the standards of relevance and interest that have guided blogs since their inception. There's the responsibility to the thousands of readers you will instantly attract, to provide intelligent and developed commentary and to be consistently entertaining. And then there's the responsibility to yourself, to prove that you're not just some internet idiot but a fully rounded writer. All this is heavy stuff, so it should come as no surprise to learn that things aren't always rosy behind the scenes of your favourite blogs. With this in mind, please enjoy these selected extracts from our files.


To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: Collaboration?

Hey man. If you look at the new lists down the side of the blog you can see that Chris totally has us beat numbers wise. I think we should combine our talents to write a post, what do you think? It might be good if we just talked on msn for an hour and posted the log, but if you can think of anything better that's cool. Get back to me.

To: Matt
From: Josh
RE: Collaboration?

No offense man but I don't think that's such a good idea. My caustic, world-weary outlook wouldn't mesh with your misanthropic bi-polar shock tactics. Thanks anyway.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: Collaboration?

BI-POLAR?! FUCK YOU MAN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT I SHOULD JUST WALK OFF THIS FUCKING STUPID BLOG ASSHOLE. I do think you should consider it though, get back to me if you change your mind. DUDE IT'D BE FREAKING AWESOME COME ON!!


How To Be Popular: The Human Body [rough draft]
by Chris

If you want to be really cool and popular like me, you've got to have sex make love engage in coitus with as many attractive people individuals as possible (as is humanly possible?) The way to achieve this lofty aim is to have in your posssessssion the most atttractive body posible, as people are ultimately shallow... Different people find different things attractive arousing but there are some gold standards that i can teach you with my incredible teaching skills that i got from a man I met in Tibet this one time when I was looking for the lost gold of Calahunis up a mountain and I nearly fell off and he saved me and taught me some teaching skills and in return I played Stairway to Heaven on my guitar for him and he loved it so much he gave me a kiss and we made sweet love all night long until it became too cold up the mountain and we had to retreat to his hut where he made me hot chocolate and sang Barry White songs for me (posssibly run on sentence, check with Josh).



To: Matt
From: Chris
RE: Treachery

What's this I hear about you and Josh working together on a post? That's hardly fair is it? I work my butt off for this blog, don't I? I think you two should take a leaf out of my book, don't you? Yes I think so. Come on dude, this is the Holy Trinity, not The Holy Two...ity. Twoity. DUO! OK!?

To: Chris
From: Matt
RE: Treachery

I'm really sorry you feel that way Chris, but I think you must have got the wrong end of the stick. It was a mere suggestion and we decided not to go through with it anyway SO MUSCLE OUT YOU STUPID DICK ALRIGHT? WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE?! HUH?!?!? FUCKING STUPID FAG TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, GO SUCK A DICK YOU FUCKING COCK! Sorry for any misunderstanding.



New Post (need to think of a title)
by Josh


Hi guys it's me! It's been a while but this time I am definately back and

fuck this



To: Josh
From: Chris
RE: Matt

Hey man, I'll cut to the chase. I don't want to be a hardass, but Matt just sent me a very offensive email and I'm pretty upset to be honest. He has totally shaken my delicate sensibilities with his offensive language and aggressive demeanor. Now I'm not saying he should be taken off the blog, that would be unfair. I do, however, think we should kick him out of the band as he can't really play any instrument and he certainly can't sing or even write lyrics. Also there is no way I am moving in with that jerk next year.

To: Chris
From: Josh
RE: Matt

Sure whatever.



Comedy Bulleted List
by Matt

  • Why not do something involving some minor celebrities?!

  • I don't like dogs.

  • I like cats.

  • Mashed potato.

  • A TOTALLY WACKY MONKEY AND AN ELEPHANT AND SOME JAM AND A BADGER HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • I would like to go to KFC and purchase some fried chicken to eat.

  • I bought a new DVD and I like it

  • Something offensive, probably about Muslims or Jesus or something

  • The last film I saw was AWESOME!!!!



To: Chris, Josh
From: Matt
RE: YOU FUCKING GUYS

Alright fine kick me out of the band, just see if I give a shit. You can't use any of the cool names I thought of now though. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU BASTARDS!?! FUCKING DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! No regrets though, right? Oh by the way if you guys want to come over for some beers later that would be cool, we could watch some DVDs or something. That'd be sweet. I saw a pretty sweet pup the other day actually. It was sheer. Wish it could go on the wall of pups next year! Oh yeah, when are we moving into the house?

To: Matt
From: Josh
RE: YOU FUCKING GUYS

Chris and I are moving into the house on the 28th of June. You are not.

To: Josh
From: Matt
RE: OK FUCK YOU

GODDAMN YOU PAIR OF COMPLETE CUNTS WHY DON'T YOU GO AND BURN IN HELL YOU STUPID PAIR OF FUCKS DAMN YOU DAMN YOU DAMN YOU FUCK YOU AND DIE ASSHOLE BASTARD CUNT MINGE FUCKHEAD FAGGOTS. No hard feelings.

To: Matt
From: Chris
RE: one more thing

Please stop looking in my window at night, I don't like it.

24.4.06

How to be popular part 3: Fashion

Hello folks, I’m back again by popular demand. Today’s topic: Fashion or as Chamber’s dictionary defines it: “the ancient art of wearing clothes”.
In recent times there has been a growth in the popularity of sickening “individuality” in relation to fashion. As previously discussed, this notion is plain wrong. Why not just go kill a kitten you sick f-blank-blank-blank.

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I actually saw a girl the other day wearing baggy clothes, as if this wasn’t evil enough, she had “dreadlocks” in her hair. In dressing deficiently, you may think you’re being frightfully unique, but you are in fact just doing what someone else has told you will ‘bring your personality out to shine’. No one ever just thinks ‘Ooh I know, today I’ll wear my baseball cap backwards!’ except the mentality ill.

Backwards baseball cap

There is no such thing as originality of thought, people have pretty much thought of everything already so just stop, alright?
This applies to films, music and all other creative outlets. But don’t despair, just because you can no longer have any personality, doesn’t mean you can’t look great!

Men


Now if you are a man the key thing to remember when dressing is this - the less you dress like a man the more manly you are.

Now to the fashion novice, this may seem very contrived because frankly it is, but with the turn of the century came the huge growth in a phenomenon known as the ‘new man’. Current estimates place the new man at somewhere between 4 and 30 soccer pitches high, and still growing! The reason for this is that he feeds on male insecurity which, ever since Women controversially became viewed as human in the eyes of the law, has been on the increase. Popular feminist leaders began to bandy round phrases like “Men aren’t very nice to us” and “Why can’t men be more like women? Not physically of course, that’s DISGUSTING”. Consequently, in order to hook up with women for sex, men have had to not only listen to women’s whining, but for the first time in history, pretend to be interested.

Stud

So when dressing up for a night on the town, the most important thing to remember is to wear a pink shirt. The reason for this is that pink is a woman’s favourite colour thus proving that you are secure with yourself and love the ladies so much that you actually want to look like them. Also a handy side effect is that wherever you go women will flock to you assuming you are a woman, to share sob storied about how hard life is ironing and cleaning. After a while they will realise that you are in fact a man and be so confused that they will have sex with you, possibly, without even the need for Rohypnol LOL!
Just kidding folks, but it did knock a third off my monthly date rape drug outgoings, almost as much as when I started going steady with Alison.
OK now I am going to hand over to the aforementioned to write a few short pointers for women.

Women


Hello, my name is Alison. I am a woman. I am married to Ken. I’m just so sorry I had to go on a round the world cruise. *BOO HOO!*.
There there, Alison. Don’t cry. It’s ok, I forgive you.
I’ll take over. On the other hand, for women the key to dressing is to look as much like a woman as possible. But women aren’t allowed to do this as blatantly as men, which can often lead to confusion.
You can still show off your female shape but just covertly, for instance by wearing a skin coloured leotard with nipples drawn on. You see your whole body is covered, but it is so well detailed you are practically naked! Remember that little gem next time you’re off to ‘Spoons.

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Suicide?


The only exception to this rule is if you’re body doesn’t conform to society’s increasingly unrealistic expectations. In this case you should
a) be asking yourself, is this really the life for you, wouldn’t suicide just be easier?
b) but if you’re a tenacious ol’ dog - cover up!
Obviously a body bag is first choice since ugly people tend to die young anyway thanks to stress and ugliness related shankings. But if you really want to show yourself off, I don’t know, perhaps on some primitive level you have a desire for a mate, (which is sweet in theory, but repulsive in practise) it has to be the bin bag. Just cut eye and/or breathing holes and you’re away. Ooh that reminds me, Tim is coming over for tea tomorrow.
Despite this seemingly obvious advice it is becoming more and more commonplace to see non-bodily conforming ‘slappers’ or ‘skanks’ walking the streets, sometimes displaying as many as two legs. Remember: if you are, I think the politically correct term is, ‘non-horrifically-ugly impaired’, stay out of normal beautiful people’s way. It really puts a downer on our evening if we’ve just been enjoying civilised high-brow drinks in an upmarket Kensington bar, when all of a sudden we see your crooked teeth and unkempt hair. Sure, on the surface we laugh, we laugh long and hard, but away from you in the privacy of our own homes we cry ourselves to sleep. Can you live with that? Sorry for the guilt trip, just keep to the pool halls and lay-bys of a night and we can all learn to live in harmony, like that song ‘Monkey Gone to Heaven’.
Anyway I’ve rattled on much longer than expected, hope I haven’t bored you too rigid and I’ll see you all again next time. Take care and dress well me ‘earties! (A bit of pirate slang for you there LOL).