The Holy Trinity

Better than God. Three Gods.

17.11.06

A Week In The Life - THE KICK ASS DIARY OF MATTHEW D SHARP (the D stands for DANGER!!)

Monday 23rd October
Hello Diary! Welcome to my Diary! I am Matt, or ‘the funny one’ as I am usually known. Ok just to introduce myself quickly, I am essentially a laid back kind of guy with a GSOH, I basically try to live my life by the philosophies and teachings of my idol Trent Reznor. Anyway enough Schmerzen Babbling! (schmerzen babble)
Today we were supposed to watch Dr. Who in Film Class or whatever but me and Josh were totally like ‘Fuck that!’ ‘That’s for fucking pussies!’ and we didn’t go and I was really pleased about that. I mean who needs the cool suave charm of David Tennant when I’ve got Josh!?… Oh god I want to cry. I just love Josh so much.

Tuesday 24th October
Today I basically sat in my room all day contemplating the futility of existence. From my window I could see the old men waiting to die and at the same time the little boy scouts and cubs coming out of the scout hut full of life and energy who, before they knew it, would be old men waiting to die. I need to express all these pent up emotions or I think I might explode! I think I’ll do a blog, yeah I’ll call it FUCK YOU LIFE with guest host Coleen Nolan.
Then Vicki phoned just as I was thinking about her! It was literally the best thing ever! Having said that she just phoned to say she couldn’t come over today, but at least I heard her sweet, sweet voice like angel dust in my ears.
Later we went to see Predator 2 with my awesome club that I basically set up and run myself. It was great, but then I remembered something Rob had posted on Mattrix about how great that film was so I told the guys I’d had more fun “piercing my eyelids with sharpened dildos whilst masturbating onto a fire”.
They loved that and when I got back I searched the internet for critiques on the film and memorized them just in case. My secret is still safe.

Wednesday 25th October
Bad E-mail day today :(
First I got another e-mail from ‘OffTheHeazy4Sheazy’ begging me to do another post. I’d always thought s/he just loved my work, but the guys said s/he probably wanted a new post so s/he could wank over it whilst picturing my lovely face. Well the lovely face part was me, but you get the idea. I’m so sad, I’d just stopped getting these e-mails from Adel. I didn’t mind until he started sending the pictures. This is why you shouldn’t go out to rock nights, or in my case, just ever.
Worst of all I got another e-mail from Rob. I can’t believe he’s being so blatant. Anyone could glance at my e-mails and see that I had one from him, it would be awful! Everyone would find out the terrible truth.
Later we went to Cherry Pop(!). I danced it up a treat, man I am so good at waving my fingers as I pretend to walk, but really I am just dancing! Fucking A! Having said that, thanks to those gays we stayed out past 10.30(pm), I know it will totally screw up my sleeping pattern.
Fucking hell! I just remembered, Chris borrowed £1.05 the other day and still hasn’t paid me back. I am going to enjoy killing his family.

Thursday 26th October
Good day today :), woke up at 6.30 and just went on the internet until Hollyoaks at 6.30(pm!!). I think that ultimately I will aim to reach a state where I can stay on the internet forever, sustained by a drip and a catheter. Man that would be sweet!

Friday 27th October
I was slaying them left right and centre today, like Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale. But instead of just mildly inconveniencing them, I was actually puncturing their armour and slicing into their soft, sweet flesh… With comedy! HAHAHA, yes I split a few sides today!! Another glorious Creative writing lecture.
But then Josh said something and it was truly the most wondrous thing I’d ever heard. I forget what it was, but I know it made me love him all the more. I wonder how I’ll tell Vicki. It’ll be alright, I mean monogamy is such an antiquated idea anyway isn’t it? ISN’T IT!??!?
On a side note, I got another e-mail from Rob today, even after I told him ‘no!’. He thinks we should go and see ‘you know who’ soon. I think I am going to have to kill him.
No-one can know that I, Matthew Sharp am a genetic replica of Evil Overlord Robin D Robbington. Even if Mr Reznor demands it, I shall never be like him, that Rob. Pah! I spit on him and all his worthless children. I soothed myself with the thought that soon Trent and I would be sitting tight up in the White House, warming our hands on the burning corpses of Mr Bush and Mr Robbington. Then the planets shall align and the three Beings from corners afar shall join us as we lead the universe into a GOLDEN NEW AGE…
That’ll show that useless mongrel Chris who’s boring and delusional!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha.

9.11.06

A Week In The Life – Josh's Diary Or Whatever

Monday 23rd October

We skipped the screening for our Sci-Fi module today because it was Doctor Who. In Matt's case it was because he'd seen it before loads of times, and in my case it was because Doctor Who is a stupid piece of shit. It's just some wanker going around in a box shouting at things. And what the hell is the point of the Daleks? They're about as scary as a biscuit tin and just as exciting. No wait, they are less exciting because I quite like biscuits. Pity I never get to eat any because I know that Chris and Matt will just eat them all up like they did all the time last year. What fucking cheek. We went to the seminar in the afternoon though. I think that Matt is in love with the lecturer, Steven Duckworth. He probably doesn't even like Doctor Who or Vans shoes or Kim Deal or Lipton Ice Tea. What a little creep. We went home and ate delicious microwaved chicken burgers. I think Chris was a little bit upset because he was in one of his stupid fanny 'meat is murder' moods but he can just fuck off. Later I played Resident Evil 4. I like to imagine that the baddies are Chris and Matt as I shoot their faces off. "FUCKING DIE" I scream, imagining the broken contorted faces of my housemates ripped apart by buckshot.

Tuesday 24th October

Chris left his light on again today when he went out. I was so angry I bit through a piece of wood. Then I started a little fire in my room and cried into it. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. I wish Matt would update the Holy Trinity more often. He keeps writing new things for the fucking Mattrix instead. Nobody reads the Mattrix, it's the biggest piece of shit on the internet and it's not funny and nor is he. I guess when we are writing our sitcom I will have to do all the jokes. I don't know what Matt is going to do, I just felt sorry for him really. He's not even as good looking as me for God's sake. But then who is? Nobody. He dragged me and Chris along to the fucking Sci-Fi Society meeting again, even though I didn't want to go as usual. I hate leaving the house, it sucks ass. Anyway we saw Predator 2, which I thought was really good. Matt and Chris seemed to hate it though, so I just went along with them for once. It tore me up inside and when I got home I punched a hole in my desk.

Wednesday 25th October

I played Resident Evil 4 again today. One of the baddies fell on the floor and I imagined it was Matt as I strolled over and slashed his neck with a knife. The blood sprayed across the rough ground and satisfaction throbbed through my veins. He screamed and clutched futilely at the air, choking out his last breath. I fired a bullet into his skull to be sure, and his head was torn apart instantly. The crimson spray made me feel like a god. I screamed "DIE DIE DIE" at the top of my lungs and clapped loudly and gleefully. It was the best moment of my life. For dinner I had chicken nuggets and potato wedges and a huge pile of grated cheese for some reason. I was dragged away from my cheese and videogame murder to go to Cherry Pop at the club. They didn't play enough George Michael for my tastes, so when I got home I was so cross I broke a metal bar across my forehead.

Thursday 26th October

Fucking hell. Chris left his light on again today, and after I vented my rage by tearing a sheet of wallpaper down and chewing it, I went in to turn it off. Jesus. That room smells like a tractor that has just driven over the rotting corpse of a bull. Also there is something smeared on the walls but I would rather die than find out what it is. It is the worst thing in the world. I went to the shop to buy some more cheese because I had a whole block of it with my dinner last night, and the man with the hat was very distant even when I tried to make conversation. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody ever. In the evening we watched Dead Man's Shoes, which is the greatest film ever made. I imagined that I was Paddy Considine and that I was stalking and killing Matt and Chris. I sure would love to stuff Chris inside a suitcase and show him to Matt and then stab Matt. I hated it when Paddy Considine died at the end. If I were him I wouldn't have died, I would have kept going and killed and killed and killed. Chris called me gay so I went up to my room and tore up all my books.

Friday 27th October

Ugh. We went to our Creative Writing lecture today and it was horrible. We had to read out our ideas for our final projects, and Matt was cracking out the fucking funnies as usual. Everybody laughed except me, because he was just being a cunt. I was so angry I almost snapped my biro in half and yelled "FUCK" but I held it in. Then I read my amazing idea out and everybody instantly realised that it was the best idea ever. The woman asked who thought it was 'compelling' and everybody put their hands up except for Matt because he wasn't listening. He was probably thinking up some faggot joke like the big shit he is. I was this close to punching him in the back of the head. Luckily we have Pro Evo 6 now, so I am holding in the rage. I like to slide tackle people and imagine they are Chris or Matt as they crumple to the floor with broken ankles and cry out in anguish. Getting a red card is small price to pay if it means I get to see them lying on the grass, faces twisted in agony. Then the computer player beat me, so I threw a brick at a bird outside. It smashed it right up but it wasn't dead so I stood on its head.