The Holy Trinity

Better than God. Three Gods.

24.7.06

Trinity Towers!



So here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The Holy Trinity have taken their first steps on the ladder to territorial world domination by snapping up some fresh real estate in good ol' London town. The Trinity is now united in mind, body and soul under one roof, or will be come September. Personally I would have been quite happy to remain fragmented and living in my "en sweet" room in Paradise Heights while those other two chumps rotted in crumby Saltash, but I guess this way I am spared a 7 minute jaunt to Matt's room every time I want something.
Now before you start, I realise I am walking along that dangerous tightrope poised delicately over "using your blog to talk about your own lives" but this is cool so pipe down, rubbadub. This place is going to shape the experiences of the fabled Trinity for the next 11 months so it is vital. Nevertheless, this post risks being descriptive-factual rather than a wryly-observed social parody on contemporary life themes, but I'm sure Chris will make up for that soon. Also I will include some ridiculous subplot that makes us seem like an Ultimate Fighting Collective.

With our nemises pooling their collective resources and slowly gaining in power, fronted by the indomitable Chris P and Lestern The Evil Wizard, the Trinity made the decision to disperse ourselves for a short while across the globe, fearing that a strike upon all three of us together would signal unparalleled disaster. It is currently far too dangerous for the Trinity to unite for any length of time, and thus we are limited to brief 'duo summits' to discuss any paramount business such as Sonic vs. Mario and sitcom script drafts. With Matt abroad on official business this weekend, it was down to Stoffer and myself to begin preparations for the upcoming Trinity reunion by visiting our palace and playing the guitar and having a sweet barbeque. However it was not all rosy in the Trinity garden. Literally and metaphorically...

As if constantly contending with the bitter powers of the evil Chris P wasn't enough to handle, after scouting the area it seems as though the Trinity will have a few other battles on their hands, with a number of equally depraved super-villains in close proximity. They are described forthwith:

The Whistler

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By far and away the most dangerous of the new Trinity nemises, and someone with which I'm sure you are all familiar, is The Whistler. Doubtlessly, you know his story but I will recap. After destroying the combined powers of The Joker, Two Face, The Penguin and The Riddler, Batman relocated from Gotham City to the Home Counties to battle his one remaining foe - The Whistler. The Whistler, mistaking Batman for a power-hungry egomaniacal tyrant rather than a generous millionaire turned freedom fighter believed himself to be doing the world a favour after finally committing Batman to his doom, crushing his skull in between his hands after ritually sodomising poor Robin whilst whistling loudly and annoyingly. What shock it was to poor Whistler when he awoke the next morning, gleefully unaware of the vitriol spewing forth from the national press.

"WHIS OFF, YOU JERK!", read the front page of The Daily Mirror.

"THE WHISTLER DEFEATS BATMAN AFTER HE RELOCATED FROM GOTHAM CITY AND SETTLED DOWN IN A NICE OXFORDSHIRE MANSION, DISPLEASING AN ENTIRE NATION WHO ACTUALLY RATHER LIKED THE QUIRKY RODENT-CHARACTERISING AMERICAN", succinctly stated The Independent.

"BLAIR LET'S IN MORE DAMN IMMIGRANTS", The Daily Mail proclaimed.

Lonely and heartbroken, The Whistler decided to move to a quiet suburban area of Hillingdon but his bitterness is growing like the newborn, and he is ready to unleash it again on our three young heroes down the road.



The Meatheads

Unconfirmed reports have placed the infinitely dangerous 'Meatheads' in Harlington Road, posing an unchartered risk to the Trinity. Created in a perverse scientific experiment by a crazed and hungry professor, a fertilised embryo was mixed with a 10oz rump steak with the intention to produce a delicious meat-baby, however there were two slight anomalies that were to have disasterous consequences for the professor and the human race. The embryo became both super-evolved and, being to forceful for the small plastic petri dish, split into two to form twin Meatheads that quickly became six foot meaty twins, with big meaty apple heads. Uncontrollable and volitile, the Meatheads wonder aimlessly, working in fish and chip shops and buying CDs in HMV wearing England shirts circa 1996. The only way they can be defeated is to take a huge bite out of their meaty crainium, but can anyone ever get close enough...?
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Samoan Joe

Less of a threat than the others, but an unknown quantity. Samoan Joe has the powers to play music loudly in his garden, and also get very big when angry much like The Incredible Hulk, as well as manipulate fire like the crap one in X-Men who turned bad. Whether friend or foe is unclear as yet.
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But dinnae worry folks, the Trinity aren't without allies. With the return of The Stampster in the pipeline, as well as General Kaile and his talking sidekick Mr. Nicotine, the Trinity are well covered. But who will guard our precious fort in the Trinity's absence, I hear you ask?

Cleveland The Disco Rabbit, that is who. The official Trinity mascot lays dormant at the top of our stairs but when troube is a-brewin', Cleveland awakes...

He also supports good causes.

20.7.06

Matt's Fabulous Mind Box Contraption

Hello science fans! Recently I have discovered an incredible technology that could change the way we look at our minds. In fact it definitely will, because it's great and I am great too. So what is it? Basically it's a small box that you wear on the back of your head. There is a diagram below:

The metal spine coming out the back goes inside your brain. The box is then able to record every single thought you have during the course of a day. It is stored on an SD card for easy uploading to the blogosphere! Here at The Holy Trinity, we are all scientific explorographers, which means we will go to the very edges of Science in order to learn things. Science things. So we all took the Mind Box out for a test drive, and here are the results!

Matt
  • "Everything is so great in the world. I have never been so happy"

  • "Ah, what a thing it is to be young, my whole life ahead of me"

  • "Hello Mr. Birdy! How nice to see you on this beautiful day. Come, perch upon my shoulder"

  • "Life! Oh life! Oh liiiife! Oh life!"

  • "SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST WHERE IN THE NAME OF JESUS'S NUTSACK DID I PUT MY MOTHERFUCKING WALLET?!? OHHHHHHHHHHH"

  • "This is the WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE"

  • "I hate everybody. FUCK YOU MATE"

  • "I will kill every last one of you stupid cunts"

  • "YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT WHORE FUCKING SACK OF CRAP CAR, WHY WON'T YOU START?! I WILL KILL YOU"

  • "Oh I found a penny! Delightful"


Chris
  • "I am so hungry"

  • "Man I sure could go for some delicious meat right about now"

  • "Oh lord, just thinking about a tasty, dripping beefburger makes me so hungry. I MUST EAT"

  • "Sweet christ that cow looks yummy"

  • "I need to stop thinking about meat... I know, I shall write a song. A song about meat!"

  • "Oh! I want to taste a pig! Hey! That would make me feel so big!"

  • "I wonder if vegetarians are allowed to eat human meat. Well it would serve those filthy meat-eaters right! I am definitely going to eat a person. Anthony Hopkins does it. That gives me an idea"

  • "That stupid Hopkins jerk, why isn't he returning my calls?"

  • "OH MAVIs you Are SO deLICious! hoW luCKy it iS thAt yOU hAvE nO faMILY tO notICE you ArE gONE! yoU deLICIouS homELEss"

  • "rAAHAahahgfhaAgggAhhhAAAAAGgggAAGagagagagarrrrrrf"


Josh
  • "Take this fucking thing out of my head"

  • "I'm not going to think about anything until he takes it out"

  • "Nothing here"

  • "Nope"

  • "Not thinking about anything"

  • "Just nothing"

  • "But what is nothing? I am thinking something, and that something is 'nothing'"

  • "How could one truly clear one's mind? Actually think of nothing?"

  • "Such a thing would not be possible. Unless..."

  • "Yes, that will work! I shall teach that Matt a lesson he will not forget!"


After Josh killed himself I had to stop conducting my research and destroy my invention. Oh well, you win some and you lose some I suppose. See you chicks later.

6.7.06

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH!!

As we all know, the most revered member of the Holy Trinity is 21 today.

Now 'the 21' is a big landmark in anyone's life. It means you are finally a man and in medieval times meant you were old enough to wield a sword. However it's not all sunshine and lollypops. The average life expectancy for a male is 75.29 years in the UK, which means you're already a quarter of the way through your life. Don't let this get you down though as it means of all your great achievments (catching those TWO minstrels and falling through the roof) there are three more of equal or slightly less magnitude to come! I suppose you can rule out the last quarter what with dementia and/or illness, but that still leaves two, Fantastic! Now to reinforce all the great things that have happened so far in your life (and therefore the things that will occurr twice more in your life), and to rip off my birthday post, Joshua Q. Roberts, this is your life.

Born Thomas Wittington Smythe to a rich aristocratic family, he was given away when it was discovered by Private Eye 'Jeremy Kyle' and his fantastical lie detecting machine that he was the bastard offspring of Sir Charles Wittington Smythe, well known as a player of the ladies. To avoid further shame for his family he was adopted by a commune of simple surfers in Newquay, Cornwall and Christened Josh or JUNIOR.
Here Josh had everything his heart could wish for and was as happy as larry until one day tragedy struck. On his way for a late night surf, he was accosted by a snake bearing maryland cookies. The snake promised that upon eating the cookies Josh would know all there was to know about the world. Fortunately Josh already knew most of this, including the tale of the Apple Guzzling Whore, Eve. He promptly crushed the Snakes skull with his well worn K Swiss training shoes.

However over the next few months the knwoledge that he had taken a life weighed heavily on young Josh's shoulders. He had been brought up by his hippy adoptive parents to respect all of mother nature's creations. Also he thought wistfully about how much money he could have made as the agent for a talking snake. But mostly he thought about how horrible the whole killing thing had been.

But then one day his whole life was turned upside down. He was walking down the street thinking wistfully to himself about how sad he was and how he was like so deep man when there was a cry from a nearby alleyway. He turned suddenly and was confronted with the sight of two Minstrels, sailing through the air towards him at great speed. Utilizing his lightning-quick reactions, he was able to secure the airborne sweeties in his clenched fists. At that moment he realised his purpose in life: Catching sweets.

He travelled the world catching sweets, from Cairo to California, to the deserts of the Mushroom World to that level where the fish tries to eat you, and beyond. But all this wasn't enough for Josh. Despite the rapturous attentions of a whole host of potential male suitors and all the money in the world, he wasn't happy. What Josh wanted, more than anything in the world, more than his Sega Nintendo Entertainment Station, was a degree in English and Film & TV Studies from Brunel University, West London.

And so he found himself in a strange suburb of a strange city, with strange people and a strange desire to smother himself in broken crackers and chocolate spread. Strange! In order to pay his way through the course, he was forced to turn to his old talent for catching sweets. Tradegy struck when one day, leaping valiantly for an elusive Malteser, his feet touched down on a surface he had neglected to secure and he was sent crashing through a corrugated sheet of plastic into the dankest hole on Earth.

Josh's grip was legendary, but even he could not pull himself from the hole, and he was forced to trust in his faith and let himself fall. He was not ready for the unimaginable horrors that confronted him. Narrowly avoiding a sticky fate upon the jagged metal spikes that lurked beneath the drop, he found himself face to face with a mountain of human skulls. Staggering backwards, his hand fell upon the cold, clammy face of a recently deceased man. As his hand sank through the decaying flesh into the rancid mass inside that broken skull, Josh found his true calling. Again.

And so he realised that catching sweets was not very sensible and that he shouldn't climb up on stuff so much, and that he should probably knuckle down and get a good degree so he can enter the world of work on an advantageous footing.

Happy Birthday Josh