The Holy Trinity

Better than God. Three Gods.

25.12.05

Idea For A Sweet Movie

Okay you guys, how about this for some Christmas Day inspiration?

The film is about a grizzled, hard-bitten detective. He may not play by the rules, but by Christ he gets results. Unfortunately for our hero, this doesn't sit well with his overbearing chief who likes to do things by the book. When the detective is taken off the case of his life, he becomes depressed. He stalks home and hits the bottle really hard. Then he starts drinking heavily. In his drunken stupor he stumbles into his wardrobe, where he is transported to an enchanted world. He is told of the problems that blight this world and encounters an evil witch. However he doesn't really care so he goes home to eat Doritos and wank. Then the guys from magic land bust out of the wardrobe and drag him screaming back in. Just after that the chief calls to tell him he is back on the case but it is too late.

The end.

19.12.05

How To Be popular Part1: Music

Popularity
Some people do not care at all for the giddy heights of popularity. These people are called social elitists, they like virtually no-one and in return no-one likes them. However, everyone else in the world is deeply insecure and requires constant assurance that people actually find them interesting. In fact no-one finds any one else interesting; they just pretend to listen, while they run through their favourite 'Everybody loves Raymond' episodes in their heads, chuckling to themselves every now and then. This comforts the other conversant, allowing her (Ooh I'm so P.C.) to feel confident, continuing her anecdote and in turn allowing the other to further enjoy the comedy of Ray Romano.
If you are that tiny minority that despises people, look away now and go back to worshipping Morrissey as some sort of Heathen Sun God. If you make up the other 99.9% of the population, craving the warm glow of social acceptance, it is not enough that you try to 'be yourself' or follow other such antiquated notions. Indeed, you must try with all your might to avoid such despicable individuality and follow strict guidelines, put in place by a higher power, that is to say, me.
Music
Now, everyone loves music, except the deaf, but they are just whiny bastards that find it funny to talk incoherently, causing you great embarrassment when in public. But they are talking shit because Beethoven, one of the greatest singer songwriters of all time, was deaf, and just look at his Greatest Hits CD. They're all there!
Everyone loves music and the best way to connect with someone is to share your mutual passion. Unfortunately it is not as simple as you might think. For example, it is not advisable to say "I quite like music, do you?" because the target is likely to question your mental ability. They may even suspect you of being a child trapped in a man's body ala Tom Hanks in the hit movie "Big". However, they are less likely to fall in love with you, Elizabeth Perkins style, and will probably just ignore you or slap you repeatedly.
The reason for this is that music actually exists in little packets or "quanta" known commonly as songs. Each song is written by an "artist" and has a unique tune or "melody". In order to connect with someone, rather than express enthusiasm for a particular song, you should like an artist and all of her songs.
DANGER
Now, my young fresh faced apprentice, don't fall into an obvious trap. In your eagerness to communicate your love of music, you may just say you love all music and anything anyone suggests. In so doing, you are overlooking the reason music is separated; so that you can find numerous faults in your target's favourite music, making him feel small and therefore respect you more. In fact it is advisable to like as little music as possible, and if you can narrow it down to one single note, e.g. F#, then WELL DONE, you are well on your way to popularity.
Smug Motherfucker
But don't get complacent, you're not there yet, you smug motherfucker. There are some exceptions to this rule. I, in my near god like wisdom, have devised a way to like as many artists as you like and still be popular. How can this be possible?! JESUS, SON OF JOSEPH AND MARY, HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE!? you ask. Well, all you have to do is like very obscure, unsuccessful bands. It is doesn't matter if these bands are unsuccessful for a reason. In fact, you may not even like them yourself, but the fact that your target hasn't heard of them allows you to blow them away with your musical knowledge. You should say that the artist is like a cross between two other artists, for example, Muse and Marvin Gaye. You should also say that it fuses two genres together and give the resulting fusion a very bad name, for example, Reggae and Soul; Soggae. Finally you should say that the artist uses highly complex Chord Progressions, reminiscent of a young Andre Previn, as no-one will know what you are talking about. They will now feel so inadequate that they will probably sell their car and go and live in the woods, and you will feel great!
Well Done
Well Done! You have successfully helped yourself along the path to universal acceptance, I look forward to seeing you when you get here, friend. You, Me and Scarlett Johansson will all have to have a game of Billiards sometime.

17.12.05

Keristmass

You have probably noticed that it is Christmas soon and I bet you are well excited. I am very excited because the other day I took a peek in the cupboard where my mother hides the presents, and my God has she spent a lot of money this year. Anyway underneath her huge pile of dildos was my present and it's a pin badge with a picture of a bear on it. It's pretty sweet.

Christmas is sort of weird now though. I find it honestly surprising and a bit odd when somebody connects it with Jesus now. Christmas isn't about Jesus, it's about presents and food. Pretending otherwise is just silly because nobody cares about Jesus anymore as we are all godless heathens who fuck virgins and smoke all the time.

The best Christmas song is called 'Merry Christmas Everyone' and it is by Shakin' Stevens. Good ol' Shakey takes his name from his ravenous lust for milkshakes, specifically those which bring all of the boys to the yard, where he beats and strangles them. Oh Shakey, you old dog.

In conclusion, Christmas is about having to spend a lot of time with your family while they talk about stuff that's really boring and then dad goes to sleep on the cat and we all have a good laugh. Merry christmas!

14.12.05

Beautiful People

I am currently watching a programme about a woman who doesn't wear make-up. People think she is about 50 when she is 40, but never fear! Expert stylists have caked her in maybelline and now people think she is 36. This sort of programme is good because it highlights unforgivably ugly people and teaches them how to fit in with the beautiful people. I also like the shows that criticise superficial people on wife swap who only love their wife because they came first in the 1982 Ms. Doncaster. These are splendid because shallow, horrible people like this must not be allowed. Only beautiful, deep people. Like Scarlett Johanson.

This Is The Best Blog On The Internet

Thousands of new blogs are created each day. Most of them are shit. Actually, just about all of them are shit. When you get down to it, there are only two good blogs on the internet. It is no coincidence that I am a contributor on both of them. It is also no coincidence that I am only a contributor on two blogs. Everything I touch turns to gold, because I am the King Midas of the internet, except without the terrible consequences that reared their heads towards the end of the story. Just stick to the bit at the start where he's all 'Holy shit I am gonna be a rich man now', even though he was already a king.

I have messed with the template so that this blog doesn't look like a load of others. The best way to survive in Blog land is to write a blog that is not much like a blog, because blogs suck.

Shit I have to go out. Anyway in summary I am so fucking amazing there is no joke.