The Holy Trinity

Better than God. Three Gods.


It's Time Wasting Time

Hello Holy Trinity, sorry I've taken so long to do another post. I would have done one sooner, but I couldn't really be bothered and I like to focus my energies on my solo blog where there aren't any other people to take the limelight away from me. Also I've been wasting a great deal of time. I'm pretty good at wasting time. Sometimes I get up early just so that I have more time to waste. Naturally it would be a pretty crap post if I just boasted about my time wasting skills the whole time, so I'm going to do the charitable thing and tell you how to be like me. Everybody wants to be like me, because I am the best. Here's a list, because they are dead easy to write and people like reading them. It's a list of good ways to waste time that I have found. So if you want to waste time, why not...
  • Image Hosted by ImageShack.usSpend several hours reading what people think about videogames that haven't been released or played by anybody yet on an internet forum. Then contribute your own meaningless conjecture based on a blurry two minute video that somebody captured on their Sony Ericsson at the Nintendo conference. If you like the look of it, make sure to compare it to sex. If you do not like the look of it, make sure to threaten to kill people. For example "It looks amazing! It looks like pure sex distilled into game form! All it needs to do now is give me a blowjob and it will be perfect!" or "It looks like a heap of ass. If it sucks as much as it looks like it is going to, I will stab a horse to death in a bus shelter".

  • Rearrange your entire DVD collection into a weird order that only you can understand, and then get fed up and put it back how it was.

  • Look out of the window at people walking around and try to guess what they are saying to each other. If you get bored of this, try rapping on the glass and then ducking out of view. Imagine their confused expressions and chuckle softly to yourself.

  • Image Hosted by ImageShack.usCome up with interesting 'what if?' scenarios and discuss them with an imaginary celebrity panel. Consider including film critic Mark Kermode and opinionated whale Vanessa Feltz. Paul Merton could provide humorous yet slightly tired and formulaic improvised scenarios involving flightless birds and woodland creatures.

  • Film yourself breaking crockery over your head and then put it on Google Video. In the description write 'Get a load of this moron!'

  • Write your own version of the hilarious Orange advertisements that play in the cinema. First select a celebrity and come up with a serious film for them to pitch to the comedy executives. Then have them ruin the idea by insisting on the insertion of mobile telephone related elements! Also that one on the end is pretty camp, and that's really funny. Have him say something in his camp voice for extra laughs.

  • See how high you can count. For every number over a million, award yourself with a delicious Werther's Original. They taste like being in Granny's car.

  • Go through the address book on your mobile phone and delete people you don't talk to. Do the same for your MSN contact list. With this done, you should realise how few friends you actually have. Make it your mission to fill the spaces with new friends that you actually like! This is doomed to fail but will waste a hell of a lot of time.

  • Write a bitter tirade against the ills of modern society and post it on your blog where nobody will read it. Post in the comments getting shirty about nobody reading the blog.

  • Get inside your cupboard and try to draw a picture of your favourite meal. If, for instance, your favourite meal is mashed potato, try to draw some mashed potato. When you leave the cupboard you will notice your drawing looks very little like what you wanted. Try and make a food that does look like the drawing. Eat it in the cupboard.

  • Combine various beers in an attempt to breed a super-beer. DO NOT DRINK IT.

  • Collect all of your burps in a sack and then release them in an aquarium one night.

  • Image Hosted by ImageShack.usCome up with a list of animals you think you could beat in a fight. For instance a cat, a platypus, a beetle. Then, on the other side of the paper, write a list of animals who you could not beat in a fight. Such as a heron, a bald eagle, a hippopotamus. Try to work out which animals on the first list could beat up which animals on the second list. Learn from their style and you should be able to beat all of the animals on both lists.

I am not good at endings so here it is.


The Irn Crtn

Wah-ho! I know what you’re thinking, ‘a political post, at last something of actual consequence, he’s going to decry the unjustness of capitalism or perhaps a scathing review of communism and why, as brilliant as it is in theory, it will never work’.
‘But wait a sec, he’s spelt Iron Curtain wrong. Perhaps it’s just a typo’, but wait, a sinking feeling takes hold as you realise, this is The Holy Trinity, THERE ARE NO TYPPOS. A ha aha haHAHAH ha. Ha. Hmmmm …sigh.
No, sorry folks, another ultimately worthless post, but hopefully you’ll enjoy the ride and maybe, even learn something about yourselves along the way.
* * *
I haven’t really made much of my life to date, I once found a pound on the floor and this one time I made a replica of my house on The Sims, but apart from that my life was devoid of all meaning. But one fateful day, inspiration struck like an angry train. Irn Bru is probably my favourite ever drink and I was just considering how much nicer spirit drinking would be if it involved Irn Bru, and all of sudden it hit me! Why not mix Irn Bru and Vodka…wait, wait, wait, and I’ll call it, get this, Irn Crtn because Vodka is Russian, you see!?

The next thing I know I’m at a rare Brunel ‘non-soca and bashment night’, having a whale of a time. However, a few lessons were learnt by all:

- Don’t request ‘Debaser’ by Pixies three times, the stone cold sober DJ will not play it out of spite and being a jerk.
- Don’t approach random people thinking they’ll be as happy to see you as you are to ‘see’ them, they won’t be.
Get Away!
- Don’t give a guy called Adel the old come-on after he calls you pretty or he will kiss your face and you will be photographed with a look of sheer delight on your face.

- Don’t start a mini moshpit with your mates, as one of them will push you playfully into an aggressive man who will ram you back much harder. You will apologise profusely and ‘play it safe’, looking around furtively, careful not to come within 10 feet of anyone for the rest of the night.

+ Do sit down on the line “oh sit down, sit down next to me” causing everyone else in the club to follow suit, but make sure to fully credit Josh as the brains of the scheme or face possible decapitation and rape. (N.B. Josh actually sat down upon recognizing the song from the opening bars – Chris, scared for life and anal virginity)
+ Do put on sweet make up for example Adam Ant’s white head band and stripe plus a touching ‘emo tear’ of black make up, but don’t be a complete puss in boots and wipe it off after 2 minutes.
Make Up
+ Do have pretend bottle fights and switch to drinking and laughing just as security get there.
+ Do have amazing out of this world Spaced-style gun fights on a tremendous scale, bringing looks of awe and respect from all around.

To see an online gallery of our adventures follow the LINK
So there you have it people, play safe, keep it real, and other meaningless phrases.


The Nineties: Part I - Music

I received a chain email the other day, yesterday in fact. I usually delete chain emails straight away, because invariably they are sent by idiots. Especially the ones that tell you to read a load of crap and make a wish, and send the email on to at least 16 people in the next 5 minutes to make the wish come true, or else a member of your immediate family will die of liver failure within the month. I'm especially wary of them since I got one a couple of weeks ago that was about this babysitter who wanted to watch Sky on a TV upstairs, so she went into the parents bedroom to settle down to some Most Haunted Live! or whatever, but she noticed something which made her ring the parents she was sitting for. So she said 'Look, I wanna watch Sky in your bedroom, but that clown statue is really creeping me out, so do you mind if I just put a towel over it so I don't have to look at its hideous face?' Firstly, why would you ring them jut to say that?! Anyway, so the parents said, 'Quick, take the children and get out of the house right now... WE DON'T HAVE A CLOWN STATUE IN OUR BEDROOM!!' Overreaction perhaps, but as it turns out the clown was a dressed-up homicidal maniac just loitering in an upstairs bedroom. No, I don't know why either. But this clown then proceeded to slaughter the baby sitter and the children. True story apparently. So anyway, it then said at the bottom 'Send this email on to everyone in your address book or you the clown will come to your bedroom and kill you at 3am tonight!'. WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT AROUND?? It didn't even have a point or anything! It bloody well shit me up a bit, who needs that hanging over them?? I didn't send it on. I decided that the clown couldn't be in everyones' room at 3am, and he'd probably go alphabetically by surname of those who didn't send it on, so he probably wouldn't get around to me. Luckily he didn't. But I did still wait up til 3am just in case.

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Anyway, my point. The email I received yesterday was titled 'How you know that you're a kid of the nineties!' although it probably wasn't punctuated properly like that. But it got me thinking, and as I was short on ideas for the blog, I decided I could pillage its content alongside my own reflections on that great decade that was. In fact I may even do it as a series, just to bail me out next time I'm creatively barren.

So after my long-winded introduction, let's get it on. Until I forced myself to consider it intensely I had always assumed that the nineties sucked in every possible manner. 'But what about all those great times you had?', I said to myself. Well I thought about that and realised that those great times were spent pretty much during the eighties and new millennium.

But as always I was being overly-facetious without even realising it. The nineties were amazing, and I will explain why. Firstly, by the magical form of Music!

The Early Years

I keep thinking I must be wrong, but I'm not. From 1990 to 1993 the only songs that were released were dance tracks with women vocalists. The absolute classic from this period was, of course, No Limits by the musical giants 2Unlimited. Now obviously I am not being serious, they were in no way musical giants, but only due to one horrendous mistake. Their name. 'I know, let's have a name which corresponds with the huge hit we're ready to release, that'll be mental! Think about how well that'll go together!', is what they said. But this myopia cost them their career; they could have been the band that The Beatles could have been! It's the same with The Fast Food Rockers. What the fuck are you gonna do when you want to be taken seriously and release a bitter-sweet prog-rock odyssey about a friend who perished due to his crack addiction?? Well you can't do that, because you're the fucking Fast Food Rockers who only sing crap songs about MacDonalds, you goddamn sell-outs! Back on track, the stand out star of this dance party era was undoubtedly Alex Party, whose greatest hits include Dreamer and Don't Give Me Your Life (Your Life, Give Me Your Life Doo Doo De Doo Doo). Now they were dance floor classics, and the staple of any worthwhile school disco at the time. And Meatloaf, in my school's case.
Luckily there were artists who succeeded in breaking this cross-decade confusion. This cultural overspill from the eighties was soon mopped up by the likes of Nirvana and their legendarily overrated but still very good Nevermind, and their contemporaries such as Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Even though these bands borrowed heavily from the eighties (or downright stole from Pixies in Nirvana's case), they should still be thanked for disposing of a dance craze that was in danger of becoming accepted by human kind. I mean, imagine if it hadn't ended and the charts these days were just full of dance remixes hahaha...

The Mid Nineties And Britpop!

The gap between the early nineties and mid nineties was conveniently bridged by Bryan Adams and Wet Wet Wet hogging the number one spot for three years between them. People grew tired with the tedium of dance music and bought 30 copies each of the above records because they had words and different chords and they were in heart-wrenching films starring Kevin Costner and Hugh Grant.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBut young mancunian men got angry at this comandeering of the musical scene, and took it into their hands to create a new wave of guitar-based noise. Oh how everyone (boring) loved Oasis! With their Wonderwalls and their Don't Look Back In Angers... But what about the girls? Take That had imploded; Whigfield had promised so much and failed to deliver - the gap was a gaping one. Blah blah blah The Spics Girls etc. Everyone knows and nobody cares, so I'll skip it. What these 'people' did do, however, was mask the brilliance of other more deserving artists. Radiohead's masterpieces The Bends and OK Computer were both released during this time, as was the greatest album ever, Jeff Buckley's Grace. But who cares - so was MMMBOP!!!

A New Millennium

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usThe late nineties was a strange time for music. Britpop was not really dying the death that it deserved, but was instead levelling out into a more acceptable form. Irish boybands were a horrendous vogue, led by The Westlives. But from across the pond a young, blonde-haired ragamuffin who sang fast with lots of rhyming words about taking drugs and killing his wife came to inject a j'oie de vivre into a turgid music scene. And his name... was Aaron Carter. And so Will Smith's undisputed title as Best Rapper In The World was in dispute.
But it wasn't all bad! The foundations were laid for the indie rock paradise that we currently inhabit, with some half-decent bands being formed. Coldplay released their only good album and inspired a million copycat bands that the world desperately needed. But The White Stripes balanced things out slightly by being a genuinely interesting and relatively unique rock experience that has continued into the naughties (LOL!!).

So it was ups and downs I guess. But a great philosopher once didn't say that roses smell a lot better if you smell lots of shit first. And the nineties are case in point. And they can't have been any worse than the bloody eighties eh?? Well...

The Rebel Prince's Top Ten Songs Of The Nineties:

10. Spaceman - Babylon Zoo
9. Sex On The Beach - T-Spoon
8. Brimful Of Asha - Cornershop
7. Here Comes The Hotstepper - Ini Kamoze
6. Lovefool - The Cardigans
5. Back For Good - Take That
4. Return Of The Mack - Mark Morrison
3. Sweat (A La La La La Long) - Inner Circle
2. You Only Get What You Give - New Radicals

And the number one greatest song ever from the 1990s is...

1. Would I Lie To You - Charles & Eddie


How To Be Popular Part 2: Making Conversation

Meeting New People

You may often find that you’re talking to someone new that you really like and you want to keep talking to them, but you just run out of things to say! Now this happens to most people (obviously not me as I am writing this advice, but you catch my drift...) however you mustn’t worry - everyone experiences this momentary panic and a desperate rush to break the silence. You may think that, on the contrary, the other person is completely confident and is just bored rigid by you. You may see the silence grow in front of you like a giant hydra, writhing and screaming, pulsating and growing ever larger under the fiery sun. But don’t do this you silly billy, that’s just your stupid nerdy imagination running away with you. Now I will let you in on a little secret, the only way to be confident and not descend into a downward spiral of self loathing and silence is to KILL THE IMAGINATION.


Easy Steps

Now there are a number of easy, all-natural ways to do this, some so simple as to be laughable; let’s all laugh Ah ha haha HAHAHA. Oh dear. Sorry, I got a bit carried away there, you see once your imagination is STONE DEAD it is quite sublimely easy to laugh at anything: International disasters, Will and Grace, Alison’s funeral… But perhaps that was just the nice man with the Nitrous Oxide?
Anyway I digress, the easiest way to kill a large number of braincells is also wicked fun - Television! You can watch your progress in real time as well! The first time I watched Will and Grace, I thought, 'OK, it’s pretty fucking hilarious that this flamer lives with a HOTTY like Debra Messing, but the dialogue is awful and the characters are two dimensional'. However after two episodes I was laughing my way through earthquakes, floods and even acts of international terrorism.


Another great way to lose precious umm… head lump dealies, is the proud art of Boxing! Basically there are only two rules in Boxing: Hit the other guy until he slips over in his own blood, and stop fighting every so often for a quick hug. This last one has always baffled me, but perhaps it is to keep it a sport rather than pure Grievous Bodily Harm. At any rate, the first rule means you can have a great time beating the bejeesus out of some schmuck, stopping every so often to run off the thick grey brain paste building up in your ear.
By the next time you are speaking to someone, you will barely be able to keep them in focus, let alone worry about what they think of you!

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Anyway real friends like Scarlett Johansson will always be there for you, even when Alison leaves you to go on a round the world cruise. I wonder when she’s getting back…


Creative Writing Notes

I was cleaning the room after your class last Thursday and I came across these notes that students left behind. Perhaps you could pass them onto the students, as they may have been left in error. Thanks, George (Cleaning)

Plot Exercise
  • Two guys upset a gang by accidentally walking in on a murder and messing it up.

  • The gang gets revenge by killing one of the two guys.

  • The other guy gets together a team of guys.

  • The team go and kill a bunch of gang members.

  • The end.

  • Had a much better idea: THE GANG GET REVENGE!

  • Possibly followed by more revenge.

  • Call it 'Revenge' or something like that.

Autobiographical Writing
The best moment of my life was when I won the football game for my football team at school. It was a really long game and it went on for a long time, longer than normal. This was because there was a lot of football going on and it was impossible to cram it into the normal football timeslot. Anyway it had come down to the last couple of minutes and it looked like we were going to lose. But at the last second I kicked the football and it went into the goal. The guy in front of the goal jumped in the wrong direction and it went right past him! I was awarded the 'Man Of The Match' award and we got to go to the next round, where we were beaten 12-0 by bigger boys.

I went to the shops
I bought some milk and some cheese
It was really nice

Grandma's hair is thick
Curly, dense and so brittle
I cut it all off

What is the time please?
I left my watch in the car,
and it got stolen.

O! Fragile light that doth cut through the autumnal air,
Canst thou not settle upon some other poor fool?
I am tired of thine cheerful bent, for I am one who lives in darkness
My world grown cold and dreary in the absence of my love.
What cruel torture is this?
I desire to die.

Do the funky goose,
It's the dance of the cool kids
We all do it now.

Bastard bastard arse
Arse bastard bastard bastard
Arse arse bastard arse.

Haiku if you do
I can haiku, can you too?
Do a haiku please.

Character Exercise
Matt was a nineteen year old university student. His good looks and winning charm meant that he was a real hit with the ladies. In particular, he had extremely attractive, totally natural looking black hair, although he often wore a stylish hat. His skin was clear and blemish-free and his teeth were straight and gleaming white. His dress sense was impeccable, and he made sure to never wear the same outfit twice. Everybody loved him and thought he was great.

There once was a man from Seattle
Whose joints always made a weird rattle
He was full of dried peas
Was a fan of John Cleese
And was killed by a big herd of cattle.

There once was a girl from Brunel
Who was worried about her smell
She put on deodorant
And found that the smell improved dramatically



It's ok, fear not! We are still here. We've all had important things to do, which has caused a certain neglect to take hold of the Trinity blog. I have had various royal adventures which required my attention. Matt's been busy playing Mario Kart DS. Chris was eating. But we're back now! Well, I am...

So, what does the Rebel Prince do when he isn't slaying dragons? He writes haikus. What's that Matt? Yes, you're right. Poetry is for girls. But haikus are for Japanese samurais with big fucking swords. So I thought I would share my favourites with you. Here they are. Below.


A biker named Dave
Flaming skull on your jacket
You ride from my life

Sweet Pup

Black circle of hair
You frame my mouth with wisdom
Noel Edmonds: My hero


Christopher P. Dunne
Your hair echoes through the age
And whispers my name

The Joy Of DOND

Oh Deal Or No Deal
What hold you in your casket?
The meaning of life


Hey you, zombie boy!
Look my way and taste my spade
'Remove head', they said

Matty Matt Matt

Matthew Donald Sharp
Wearing your hat like a God
The other one's shit

The Holy Trinity

Holy Trinity
The best blog there ever was

So there you have it friends. Try it your self. The only rule is... there are no rules!*

* Must have five syllables, then seven syllables, then five syllables, or else it's wrong.