Gender Realignment

Hi everybody! All of us here at the Holy Trinity are huge fans of Joss Stone, because she is from the west country and also she is just enormously talented. She sounds like a big black lady or something! Fantastic. She's like the British Anastacia except less shouty and equally as boring. Like with most people, she first came to our attention when she covered the classic White Stripes classic, 'Fell In Love With A Girl'. But because Joss is a wholesome Devonshire dumpling, she didn't want to look like some sort of crazy lesbian, so she changed some of the lyrics. This is very common in the music business (or 'biz').

Notice that Will Young, despite coming out as a homosexual, didn't go back and change his songs to be about boys instead of girls. Nice one William, that's really helping the cause, you jerk. Anyway let's say for the purposes of today that I wanted to do a cover version of 'Complicated', by Avril Lavigne. This is a great song by a great lady, and I want to do it justice, but I don't want to look like a gay. So a little editing is in order before I can lay down the vocal track in my daddy's studio. Let's roll.

Uh Huh
Life's like this
Uh Huh
Uh Huh
That's the way it is

This passive acceptance of life's hardships may be fine coming from a woman, but any man saying this would look totally gay. I will sing 'Life is shit' instead, as this matter-of-fact attitude is much more masculine.

Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only let it be

Well obviously girls do not yell at their boyfriends unless they want to be slapped in the face, so that line needs to be changed to 'what you weepin for?', as girls cry a lot because they are weak-willed. 'Lay back' can stay because it implies I'm going to shag her, which is correct.

I like you the way you are
When we're drivin in your car

There is no way I would ever like to be in a car that a woman is driving.

And you're talkin to me one-on-one
But you become

When a girl is talking to you, it's not so much 'one-on-one' as just 'one'. If you can get a single word in without having to clamp a firm hand over her mouth you are some sort of god or something.

Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

All of these concerns are not the kinds of concerns men generally have with relationships. There are two real concerns and that is it: "Am I going to have to commit 'long-term'" and "is she having sex with me with enough frequency". All this absurd wishy-washy nonsense about not being able to relax is stupid. The only time a woman needs to relax is during anal sex, to avoid doing damage to the anus.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated

This is fine in theory. Complication is annoying and must be avoided in order to have the most sex in a relationship. However, if a man is frustrated he does not sing a song about it. He relieves the frustration by doing physical damage to an object or person.

Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get

Women take what they get and much, much more so this needs to be changed too.

And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no

This honestly doesn't make a great deal of sense. Turning into what? A man can construct coherent sentences and would not mire himself in the grammatical innacuracies of 'never gonna find you fake it'. No no no.

You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin else
Where you are ain't where it's at you see

Girls coming over unannounced sounds totally right, so we can keep that in there. Them being dressed up in what sounds to me to be sexy costumes is not at all a valid excuse to complain, and that third line is too muddled for a clear-thinking man to ever sing.

Laugh out
When you strike a pose
Take off
All your preppy clothes
You know
You're not foolin anyone
When you become

Fine except remove the word 'preppy'.

After this point in the song she repeats lyrics we have already seen, going over the same territory over and over. Again this is not something a man would do, so the song should end here.

On reflection this is a lot of work and it would be easier to write a new song. It's harder than I thought being Joss Stone, or whoever her male equivalent is. You know what I think that's James Morrisson! I will look into it. See you later guys.