It's Time Wasting Time

Hello Holy Trinity, sorry I've taken so long to do another post. I would have done one sooner, but I couldn't really be bothered and I like to focus my energies on my solo blog where there aren't any other people to take the limelight away from me. Also I've been wasting a great deal of time. I'm pretty good at wasting time. Sometimes I get up early just so that I have more time to waste. Naturally it would be a pretty crap post if I just boasted about my time wasting skills the whole time, so I'm going to do the charitable thing and tell you how to be like me. Everybody wants to be like me, because I am the best. Here's a list, because they are dead easy to write and people like reading them. It's a list of good ways to waste time that I have found. So if you want to waste time, why not...

• Spend several hours reading what people think about videogames that haven't been released or played by anybody yet on an internet forum. Then contribute your own meaningless conjecture based on a blurry two minute video that somebody captured on their Sony Ericsson at the Nintendo conference. If you like the look of it, make sure to compare it to sex. If you do not like the look of it, make sure to threaten to kill people. For example "It looks amazing! It looks like pure sex distilled into game form! All it needs to do now is give me a blowjob and it will be perfect!" or "It looks like a heap of ass. If it sucks as much as it looks like it is going to, I will stab a horse to death in a bus shelter".


• Rearrange your entire DVD collection into a weird order that only you can understand, and then get fed up and put it back how it was.


• Look out of the window at people walking around and try to guess what they are saying to each other. If you get bored of this, try rapping on the glass and then ducking out of view. Imagine their confused expressions and chuckle softly to yourself.


• Come up with interesting 'what if?' scenarios and discuss them with an imaginary celebrity panel. Consider including film critic Mark Kermode and opinionated whale Vanessa Feltz. Paul Merton could provide humorous yet slightly tired and formulaic improvised scenarios involving flightless birds and woodland creatures.


• Film yourself breaking crockery over your head and then put it on Google Video. In the description write 'Get a load of this moron!'


• Write your own version of the hilarious Orange advertisements that play in the cinema. First select a celebrity and come up with a serious film for them to pitch to the comedy executives. Then have them ruin the idea by insisting on the insertion of mobile telephone related elements! Also that one on the end is pretty camp, and that's really funny. Have him say something in his camp voice for extra laughs.


• See how high you can count. For every number over a million, award yourself with a delicious Werther's Original. They taste like being in Granny's car.


• Go through the address book on your mobile phone and delete people you don't talk to. Do the same for your MSN contact list. With this done, you should realise how few friends you actually have. Make it your mission to fill the spaces with new friends that you actually like! This is doomed to fail but will waste a hell of a lot of time.


• Write a bitter tirade against the ills of modern society and post it on your blog where nobody will read it. Post in the comments getting shirty about nobody reading the blog.


• Get inside your cupboard and try to draw a picture of your favourite meal. If, for instance, your favourite meal is mashed potato, try to draw some mashed potato. When you leave the cupboard you will notice your drawing looks very little like what you wanted. Try and make a food that does look like the drawing. Eat it in the cupboard.


• Combine various beers in an attempt to breed a super-beer. DO NOT DRINK IT.


• Collect all of your burps in a sack and then release them in an aquarium one night.


• Come up with a list of animals you think you could beat in a fight. For instance a cat, a platypus, a beetle. Then, on the other side of the paper, write a list of animals who you could not beat in a fight. Such as a heron, a bald eagle, a hippopotamus. Try to work out which animals on the first list could beat up which animals on the second list. Learn from their style and you should be able to beat all of the animals on both lists.

I am not good at endings so here it is.

Creative Writing Notes

Sarah,
I was cleaning the room after your class last Thursday and I came across these notes that students left behind. Perhaps you could pass them onto the students, as they may have been left in error. Thanks, George (Cleaning)

Plot Exercise

• Two guys upset a gang by accidentally walking in on a murder and messing it up.


• The gang gets revenge by killing one of the two guys.


• The other guy gets together a team of guys.


• The team go and kill a bunch of gang members.


• The end.


• Had a much better idea: THE GANG GET REVENGE!


• Possibly followed by more revenge.


• Call it 'Revenge' or something like that.

Autobiographical Writing
The best moment of my life was when I won the football game for my football team at school. It was a really long game and it went on for a long time, longer than normal. This was because there was a lot of football going on and it was impossible to cram it into the normal football timeslot. Anyway it had come down to the last couple of minutes and it looked like we were going to lose. But at the last second I kicked the football and it went into the goal. The guy in front of the goal jumped in the wrong direction and it went right past him! I was awarded the 'Man Of The Match' award and we got to go to the next round, where we were beaten 12-0 by bigger boys.

Haikus
I went to the shops
I bought some milk and some cheese
It was really nice

Grandma's hair is thick
Curly, dense and so brittle
I cut it all off

What is the time please?
I left my watch in the car,
and it got stolen.

O! Fragile light that doth cut through the autumnal air,
Canst thou not settle upon some other poor fool?
I am tired of thine cheerful bent, for I am one who lives in darkness
My world grown cold and dreary in the absence of my love.
What cruel torture is this?
I desire to die.

Do the funky goose,
It's the dance of the cool kids
We all do it now.

Bastard bastard arse
Arse bastard bastard bastard
Arse arse bastard arse.

Haiku if you do
I can haiku, can you too?
Do a haiku please.

Character Exercise
Matt was a nineteen year old university student. His good looks and winning charm meant that he was a real hit with the ladies. In particular, he had extremely attractive, totally natural looking black hair, although he often wore a stylish hat. His skin was clear and blemish-free and his teeth were straight and gleaming white. His dress sense was impeccable, and he made sure to never wear the same outfit twice. Everybody loved him and thought he was great.

Limericks
There once was a man from Seattle
Whose joints always made a weird rattle
He was full of dried peas
Was a fan of John Cleese
And was killed by a big herd of cattle.

There once was a girl from Brunel
Who was worried about her smell
She put on deodorant
And found that the smell improved dramatically